Re-discovering who I really am.

Content warning: I will write about well, as the title says, sexuality and gender. All content is written from my own perspective ,my own feelings and experiences. I am not sharing this with intent of causing anyone any distress or harm. But if texts about these topics may upset you, best to skip this post. Hope to see you back at one of my many other posts on this blog site.

I was born as a girl. I had the body of a girl, the voice of a girl and I always saw myself as one. Growing up in the 80’s, things like gender were more black and white. You were either a male or a female. There was nothing else… Well, there were people who felt different, but it’s been shunned for a long time. The first reports of transsexuals in our country date from the 50’s. 1950’s that is… There’s nothing really known about it prior to WWII. So while there were trans people, like there were lesbians and gays, it wasn’t a topic being talked about a lot.

First time I became aware was when I saw the Dame Edna show. And when Freddie Mercury announced he was gay, later to be followed by starts like Elton John.

My parents never had anything against what we now call the LGBTQ+ people. They always talked openly about this. When I started my teens, I realized I wasn’t just heterosexual. People always assumed I would start liking and dating boys. But here I was, having huge crushes on both boys and girls. I felt like I never really loved a gender, I loved a person. But, most of my relationships were with men, so I was always seen as CIS female hetero. I never knew why those labels were so important, but they only seemed to have grown more important.

I do love how awareness has grown and shown us there are more genders, there are more sexualities, than I knew while growing up. I have been with a male, I have been married to a female. I have called myself a bisexual, because I dated both genders. Yes, there are more, BUT I see this a little differently. I still don’t really see genders, I just see people living their lives.

How someone portrays themselves is how I see them. Maybe there’s a penis, maybe there are boobs, maybe this person isn’t interested in sexuality, maybe they feel like they’re neither man or woman. And that’s where I have had some doubts as well.

Growing up with the black and white offset, I learned to think in male-female roles. But even though my body is a female one, I never really felt like a woman. I don’t like makeup, I hate dresses, I never felt the urge of my womb to have children. I love men’s clothing. I love my very short hair. I barely have any boobs and am often seen as a man. And while I used to be offended by people calling me sir, I now get it. I think…

I don’t fit in the female box, besides my body, because I don’t affirm the “gender roles”. I don’t fit in the male box, as I don’t have the body. I don’t feel like I am both. I don’t feel non-binary. And then I learned there was/is a gender name that came from neurodifferent people, especially autistics. It’s called “Autigender”.

I tried to Google it and many sites use terms that make my head go round. For a non-native-English person, the English terms can be a bit hard to grasp. Even as I already struggle with many in my own language… But I stayed on Google and found a few bits of explanation that I did understand.

I had never heard of “Neurogender”, or “Autigender” until I joined the Neurodifferent server on Mastodon. I became very interested as I was still looking for something that would suit me way better than the more generic “cis fem bi” bit, as I was seen most now.

So I’m looking. Asking about it. I understand it’s not easy for everyone to talk about it. But what I’ve read about autigender, it does suit many of my feelings. I have also read about people thinking you’d use your autism as a sexuality or gender and that’s wrong. But the way I experience people, I do think it’s very much intertwined with my autism. I see people. Not black and white. But in color, different, unique. I don’t see a gender, a sexuality, a cubicle that they need to fit in.

I’m all for exploring yourself. The only things I’m really against is with animals or underage people. That’s just a big nope to me.

Do you experience Neurogender or autigender? How does it feel for you? I really would love to learn more about it. If you don’t like sharing here but you’re on Mastodon, please find me there as @Cynni thanks!

I would love to learn and understand all the genders, the people behind them. I’m afraid I’ll never get it all, but I do wish to be inclusive, understanding and supportive. I know how it’s feels to search for your true self so… Yeah…

I also found this a very informative site: gaysifamily.com/lifestyle/bein….

Thank you for your interest in my blog. I really appreciate your visit. If you like my posts and you want to share them on your social media, please, feel free to do so! I’d be honored. If you don’t want to miss a thing, press the follow button (you’ll need to be a signed in WP user) or scroll down and leave your email below this post. If you are a WP user and you would like me to know you liked my post, press the star/like button please. Thanks ever so much! Of course comments are welcome as well, but spam won’t get shared, so don’t bother…

Please be wise and stay safe! I hope to see you back real soon again, feel free to drop in anytime! Wishing you all the best. With love, Cynni 🌹

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Thanks ever so much ♥