Machine Head’s Signature “Shotgun Blast” Whiskey Seized by FDA

By Steel Druhm

Freedom stopped ringing and sales of Machine Head’s new signature “Shotgun Blast” whiskey came to a sudden halt today, as agents of the FDA seized inventory at warehouses and stores across the country in a coordinated operation.

When reached for comment, FDA Spokesman Sean O’Killian claimed the mass seizures were not because the bottles resembled illicit short-barrel shotguns, but due to the whiskey containing unacceptable levels of both Metallica’s “Blackened” brand bourbon and Conor McGregor’s “Proper Twelve” Irish whiskey.

When asked for further clarification, O’Killian elaborated, “These are both dangerously low-grade distillations on their own, but when blended like we see in Shotgun Blast, you get something falling between Agent Orange and prison toilet Prunö. It’s highly toxic, wildly unfit for human consumption, and only useful as a military-grade solvent.”

Efforts by AMG representatives to reach Robb Flynn regarding off-label use of Shotgun Blast as a “Filter cleaner” were initially rebuffed.

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