!nostupidquestions@lemmy.world

I'm not autistic (AFAIK), but I'm similarly neurodivergent. To be exact, I suspect I have Geschwind syndrome, albeit undiagnosed (and given how it's controversial among neurologists and psychiatrists, as well as how it's not easy to detect and needs to involve expensive MRI and EEG scans, I guess I'll simply die without ever being diagnosed).

Having said this, I have a complicated relationship with "social media". I constantly feel the urge to express, be it through online discussion (as I'm doing now), be it through philosophical/poetic/ritualistic writing, be it through coding, be it through drawing. It's part of the "hypergraphia" trait from the syndrome that I suspect I have.

Whenever I express or seek others' expression around a current subject of interest, it's often highly-abstract content: philosophical, religious/spiritual/esoteric/mystical/theological and scientific (hoping to find something that contains all three simultaneously). In that regard, it has to do with the "hyperreligiosity" and "philosophical rumination".

However, I have a complicated relationship with the concepts such as "human", "loneliness", "friendship", "intimacy" and "relationship". Sometimes I have the urge to express while also haveing the urge to stay alone. Similarly, I get frustrated by superficial interaction: notice how my texts are long (and not just this one, my comment history across Friendica and Calckey, the remnants of my online activity, proves my verbosity), and this requires mental energy, and seeing this energy being converted into shallow exchanges across social networks can definitely frustrate. See how I mentioned "remnants" on my parenthetical break? Sometimes I catch myself nuking my own things: my comments, posts, sometimes entire profiles, out of frustration and/or resignation. I used to have whole blogs with dozens of posts, hundred posts on Mastodon, a Bluesky profile with more than 200 posts: all nuked by myself out of impulsivity.

There's also conflict with my "current subject of interest": similar to ADHD people, sometimes I develop an almost obsessive interest (hyperfocus) around something. Decades ago, it was programming. 5y ago, it was survivalism and Eschatology studies on the biblical Apocalypse. 2y ago, it was Luciferianism, and then Lilith until recently (months ago). It was drawing, it was writing entire ritualistic poetry and chants. 2w ago, it was intensive self-teaching Morse code and ASCII hex code and alphabetic code (A=1,B=2,...). See, I can't rest mentally. And this always involve trying to express about it. This involves trying to participate. This involves trying to belong until I realize I don't, until I realize I can't, until I give up and nuke my own past efforts. So while I do post a lot in social media, it doesn't last for long until I decide for self-destruction once again because I couldn't get meaningful like-mindedness.