It was a weird week, a difficult week. Memories, tears, loss of routine, pain, grieving… I was very grateful for my mum still being with me. And she brought Bas with her for two nighs, and that really helped me. This week, I am still not in the mood for music. Haven’t litened to music in quite a bit, I am just not in the mood. All of the usual pixtures I normally share… I can’t take any new snaps, my big love is gone… If I can find the spoons, then I may try to edit some older snaps of Arwen to add to this post. But it’s just so hard. Looking at pictures of her… Memories, tears, longing to have her back at my side… On Saturday morning, we picked up her urn, so she’s back home, in a way… I can still feel her love and her support in my heart, I just can’t feel her anymore…

The week started a little colder and wetter, but as the days passed by, the warmer days were slowly returning.

Quick links to the days of the week: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday & Sunday.

Monday

I had a so-so night. Didn’t take a sleeping pill, as I didn’t like the side effects I got after the second night, and I didn’t want to become too depending on them. But due to the pain, I woke up several times. I needed the loo, and I needed to adjust the bed every time, to get some relief for my back and leg.

In the morning, bestie called me on her way to work. So we had a nice chat, which brought me some distraction. My mum had to go home today for a few hours, so it was just me, all alone.

I wrote for my blog. It was super hard, as I was writing for the journal post, and I had to write about Arwen… 💔 So I tried to write and I sobbed while doing so. Get some relief. Mum doesn’t mind me crying, she understands, but it was nice to cry alone for a while. Even though, of course, I rather had not been all alone… 😢

When I was too low on spoons to keep writing, I put away the laptop very carefully, and I lay back on bed. I wanted to move a bit, but I didn’t have my shoes on. But fortunately, when mum came back, she put on my shoes and we went for a walk. After the walk, we went to Lidl for a few groceries.

I relaxed for a bit after that, and then I made dinner for mum and me. We resumed the last season of The Discovery of Witches, which we finished just before bedtime.

It took me some time to fall asleep. I woke up a few times, once for a little while because my back was so sore. And then I snoozed on and off again, until I got up around 6:30. I was ready, sort of, to start a new and busy day.

Tuesday

I woke up several times during the night, mostly due to needing the loo and my body being sore. Even with the painkillers, it just got to be too sore and it made it harder for me to sleep with. So around 6:30, I got up, went to the loo again, and I texted bestie that I was kinda ready for the morning commute call, should she be ready as well. A little while later she texted that she was ready, so this time, I called her.

We had a nice chat while she was driving to a different location than usual, as they had a special staff meeting, as they were getting close to ending the year for summer’s vacation (she’s a teacher). She went to the site earlier, so she could run a bit before the meeting would start. She took me along for a short bit of the run, but then she needed less distractions, so she had so hang up on me.

I was feeling very anxious this morning. I had a PT appointment scheduled, and the last time that I was getting ready for PT, was the time where everything went wrong very painfully. So I was dealing with some of that trauma while mum and I tried to get me washed and cleaned. Then, we got me properly dressed.

According to my last letter from the hospital, they would call me today between 9-11. We did need to leave the house in time for the 11:30-12:30 physio appointment. But I only have my cellphone, so I’d be reachable while mum was driving to Cuijk, We arrived in Cuijk a little after 11, and still nothing from the hospital. I didn’t want to call them from the physio, so I told mum I’d try to get them on the line when we were back home again.

The physio appointment went well. My PT knew all about my fears and recent loss. And he did his best to comfort me and to assure me that, according to his expertise, it wasn’t my fault that the hip popped out. But it was probably already faulty and that’s what made it pop and hurt to much. And it probably would have happened sooner rather than later,,,

The second doc, who admitted me and who helped me with all my hip issues (setting it and then doing the surgery to repair it), she did say that she had to change the ball of the hip joint as it wasn’t lined up well enough. I thought that was because it was damaged during the dislocation. But perhaps, it had been the cause of it? So my physio tried to explain everything from his experience and he gave me a few exercises to start with. Of course they were painful now, as everything is still bruised and sore.

When the physio appointment was almost over, the GP called me. Mum picked up, and the GP said she’d call back in about 15 minutes. So the whole way back home, I was waiting with my phone at hand, as she could call any minute now. So yeah, she didn’t… Autistic me was a bit bummed, because of the said time not being taken seriously.

We got home, and I called the hospital, as it was past 13, and they still had not called. I left my details with the nurse and a few minutes later, I was being called back. Apparently they did note down the day and time for me in my discharge letter, but they didn’t put me on the list for the nurse that would be making the calls. So, she didn’t know that I had been waiting for her call… I got to ask my questions and I answered hers.

Then, mum and I wanted to head out for a short walk. So, of course, as we were just about to head out, the GP finally called again. I answered all her questions and then mum and I headed out for a nice little walk.

After the walk I tried to do some of the exercises and then I lay on bed to relax a little. I watched some telly and tried to process all the info I had been given during all the chats I had today.

I made mum and myself some dinner, and together we watched the documentary about Lockerby on SkyShowtime. I had already seen it, but mum was interested as well. We binged the whole thing together. Then, mum wanted to see what the newly added musical “Wicked” was all about. So we started that.

After a while, we were both very tired, so we stopped the movie and got ready for sleep. Unfortunately, I would have some very bad nightmares during the night… 😢

Hump day / Wednesday

I didn’t have the best night, but I managed some sleep here and there. In the morning, while I was still dozing a bit on my bed, and mum was upstairs getting dressed and all that, bestie called me on her way to work. We had a nice chat till she arrived. Then, mum came down and we had brekky. When we were done, we got our things sorted, and we went to the car, and then to my parent’s house in Nijmegen.

Dad had an outing thingie today, and their dog, Bas, was home alone. And the cleaning help would be coming in the early afternoon, so mum needed to be home to open up and prepare everything for the help. So, after brekky, and after the busiest traffic had passed, we went to Nijmegen to annoy Bas a bit. 😉

Mum had to do some things, and while she was busy, I was abusing the tablet I brought to work on my blog post honoring Arwen. It was hard, to think of all the things we’d been through in almost 12 years together. There was so much we did, so much we overcame, so much happiness besides the darker bits… So, I started writing and I let my emotions guide the post. I went with the things that came to me while writing. I didn’t think too much about needing to add other things. No, the thoughts I had now, the memories that were coming to me now, they must be some of the important ones, so they will need to be included. I didn’t want to write a 150 page memoir about everything. I wanted to capture how special she was, accompanied by some little vids and snaps.

When I had finished the post, I saved the text and sent it to my bestie. I asked her to proofread it. Were there things I needed to formulate differently, were there things that she knew about that I should include as well? When she replied later that day, she said it was perfect, just the way it was, and it had made her emotional… 🥲 Guess that’s all that I needed to know.

Mum was done with some of the things she wanted to do. So then, we went for a short walk with Bas, as dad never goes out with him (I know, I hate that too!). So we had a nice walk, and Bas could do his things and get some new sniffs in. When we got back, mum started preparing things for the help, so that she could do her thing while mum and I were going to the supermarket.

When we got back with the groceries, mum asked the help if she minded if mum and I would go to my home, before the traffic would be too busy along the way. The help didn’t mind at all, so we got the things in the car, including the little furball, and we headed to my home. We were fortunate, as the traffic wasn’t too bad yet, but it was getting a bit busier already. Had we gone later, then we’d probably had been caught in the “usual” traffic jam that occurs daily on the road between my parents and me.

Bas ran into the house, and he just was so confused. He went looking everywhere, but he could not find his big girlfriend. He was crying a little as he was rushing through the rooms, and I just cried a bit along with him… I share(d) his pain…

When the groceries had mostly been put away, Bas wanted some walkies, so we first took him out. It was nice to go for a little walk with a furball along the way. Mum and I had been taking little walks so I could get the walking exercise in every day. But, it did feel better with a little doggo along for the walk… 😊

We got back, and mum finished the groceries, while I sat on the bad and started several of my exercises. After that, I lay on the bed with some telly to relax. I tried to get Bas to join me, but he wasn’t too enthusiastic about it. Mum then joined me for some telly and relaxing time. After some relaxing, we took Bas out for a short walk again.

I fixed some food for mum and myself, and mum fixed food for little Bas. We relaxed a bit with some more telly. Then a short walk again with Bas. He is used to doing “his things” in the garden, but my garden isn’t really suitable for that. It needs to be de-weeded first. If he’d do his things in between all the weeds now, it would be even more messy to start working on the garden when I can… So, we go out for some short walkies, just as we were used to doing with Arwen.

Mum and I finished watching Wicked, and we found out, we need to wait for part 2 to know how it will end. Hmmm… 🤔 I browsed a bit in the available series, and found one that could be interesting for both mum and me, and I had not seen it yet either. Yay, small win! When it was time to go to bed, mum let Bas out for a final wee, and then she got ready for bed. Bas is used to going upstairs with my parents for sleepy time, but he can’t use my stairs, and it would be easier for mum to have him downstairs with me. He isn’t alone, as I am in the living room as well.

The first hour or so, Bas was a bit restless. When he found a spot to snooze, I was able to fall asleep as well. When I woke up for the loo, Bas joined me. Which was funny, as he walked under me as I was sitting there. That looked so weird! 😂 Then, I went back to bed and… I almost sat on Bas! Apparently, he was able to jump on the bed my himself! I shoved him a bit to the side, and he just sat there, looking at me like “whatcha doin’?”. When I had settled, he made a few rounds and then he snuggled up against me. So sweet… And it didn’t take too long before I fell asleep again.

I woke up twice more, and every time I got back from the loo, Bas was sitting there, waiting for me. And every time when I had settled, he would find his spot and cuddle up against me to snooze again… When I woke up the last time, ready to get up, I had slept for about 6½ hours. So not too much, but the hours I got with Bas, they sure made me feel a bit more relaxed. 😊

Thursday

After a fairly decent night, mostly thanks to the comfort and care of little Bas, I got up and ready for a new day. Today, mum and I would be going to Germany to get the “German groceries”. I prepared everything for brekky, so when mum came down, she only needed to let Bas out for a wee, and then she could slide in and enjoy the nomnoms.

When brekky was done, we walked a short round with Bas and then we got ready to head to Germany. We were a bit earlier than we had aimed for, but that wasn’t a bad thing at all. The trip to Germany went rather well, not too much annoying traffic along the way. We got our groceries and mum filled up the car.

Driving home to Herpen, I got an email with the bill for Arwen’s cremation. So I made sure that I would pay it right away, hoping that it would not take too much time then to be able to take her back home with me.

On the way back, we made a short stop at the little supermarket in my town, for the two things we needed that they didn’t have in Germany. When we got back, Bas was very glad to see us. We unpacked most of the bits and bops, but Bas was running wild, so I thought he might needed to go out. So we first walked Bas, and then mum finished up with the groceries.

I did my exercises on my bed, after which I needed some time to relax. I chilled out on my bed with some telly. Every time mum left the room, Bas rushed to me. Every time she got back, he was off again… Silly little furball.

After mum and I had relaxed a bit, we took Bas out for another walk. We watched some telly together, until it was time for me to fix some food for us. Mum had already made sure that Bas his little belly had been filled.

Around 19:30, we went for another short walk. After that, I got into my PJ’s. According to my watch, I had made about 5000 steps, so that was more than enough. But, it did feel good. I had been out and about, I had some fun with Basje, I had done my exercises and relaxed a bit… It wasn’t a bad day at all.

When it was time to head to bed, Bas waited till mum was almost all way up the stairs. Then he rushed to my bed and made sure to cuddle up against me straight away. And, like the previous night, every time I went to the loo, we was waiting patiently for me to come back. When I was settled, he’d make himself comfortable, cuddling up against me.

I didn’t get too many hours of sleep, but the ones that I got were decent enough, thanks to the little furball. He will be going home again and I will probably miss him (and his cuddles) loads.

Friday

I had another decent night. It was a short one though, as it took some time to fall asleep, and we had to get up early because mum needed to be in Nijmegen early for dad’s hospital appointment. So I didn’t have many hours of sleep, but the ones that I did get, they were good enough, probably thanks to my little cuddly black furball. This was the second (and last) night of Bas sleeping over at my place. And as soon as mum had gone up to bed, he rushed to be at my side again. So after having had two decent nights, I was a bit sad to see Bas go home again. He sure filled a void in my home, and his cuddles brought such a calm over me.

I got up and prepared everything for brekky. When mum came down, we had brekky. Then we walked with Bas before we headed to Nijmegen. Mum and dad left to go to the hospital for dad’s appointment and I stayed behind with Bas. I had my tablet with me, so I used that to catch up with some writing things. A bit for my blog, a bit on Masto…

Unfortunately, I could not be too comfortable at the dinner table, and after a while, even with some exercises and stretching, my leg started to hurt a bit. When my parents came back, mum checked my lower leg and it was swollen some, and the skin felt so tight to me. I was hoping that some movement would help, that it would become a little less ouchy if I would walk a little again.

Mum and I headed out to two stores to get some groceries for both my parents and for me. When we got back, mum and I walked a short round with Bas. My leg felt a bit better after that, so I was hoping it would ease up a bit now. I then received a phone call from the vet, they had received Arwen’s remains and we could come and pick them up. I hung up and then checked their opening times. They would close at 17:30, but I saw they’d be open on Saturday morning. So I quickly sent them an email, asking if it would be OK to pick up the urn on Saturday. After a while, I got a reply that we’d be welcome to do so, so that took some of the time pressure off, meaning we’d be a bit more relaxed when we would come to pick Arwen up.

I had to sit at the table again (those were the only chairs high enough for me to sit on), as mum had to go to a GP appointment. While I was sitting at the table, writing some more on my tablet, I felt my lower leg become tighter again. I put the tablet away, I grabbed a little stool, and put my leg on it. After a while, it did start to help a bit. When mum got back and saw the leg, she looked for an elastic sleeve. We went home again, unfortunately without Bas, and when we got back, mum put the sleeve on my leg. It felt weird for sure…

I made some food and after that, I put my leg up high on the bed. The elastic sleeve felt a bit tight, but it also gave it some support. I tried to do a few exercises, as my physio had told me that these would help to reduce the swelling (in time) as well. Mum and I watched some telly together until it was time to get ready for bed. Mum checked my leg, and the swelling was a bit down, which did help a bit against the pain. I took my meds, brushed my teeth, and got to bed. And then I became a bit sad, as Arwen was not home yet, and I didn’t have the little back furball to cuddle with during the night.

I woke up around 3 am with a very heavy pain in my lower back. It just hurt so much, that I struggled to get up. But I had to do so, because I had to take painkiller. It took quite a while before I felt relaxed enough again to fall asleep. I woke up half a bit, adjusted the bed, and dozed off again. I was so tired. And, as it’s weekend, this morning there was no construction noise starting just before 7, so I was able to sleep in a bit. Which helped me regain some spoons, that I really needed to face the challenge of picking up Arwen…

Saturday

My back has been giving me so many troubles. Before it all went wrong, I was finally able to sleep on both my sides again. Just for shorter periods of time, but it helped me so much. It gave my back, especially my lower back, so much relief. But then, the hip dislocated, and I had been in a crooked position for several hours. They put me under and yanked on my leg to pop it back in. They gave me another surgery. It’s safe to say that my lower back hates me all the way. I am back to well, sleeping on my back. I am not allowed to sleep on my left side anymore. I can be on that side for short amounts of time, using the pillow between my legs, but I can’t sleep on that side, as that would leave me vulnerable to my right leg sliding too low when I am out. Anywhooo…..

Long story made short: I have had a bad night, because my back was so painful and sore. I tried to be comfortable by adjusting the bed every time I woke up with pain. But it only worked for short amounts of time. For a while, I just sat on the side of the bed, trying to stretch my back as safely as I could. I even took an extra painkiller because it was so sore and I really needed to sleep some more. I spent some time on my phone, and when I felt the meds start to help me some, I tried to get comfortable again to get some more sleep if I could.

When I woke up, I was so exhausted and sore. When mum and I had our brekky, we went to the vet to pick up Arwen’s urn. It was waiting there for us, all packed up nicely. The ladies working there gave their condolences and wished us much strength with the recent loss. I had the bag between my feet, while we drove back home again. A quick stop at Lidl for some snacks for me. Mum went to get them while I waited in the car.

When we got home, we carefully unpacked the urn. The wrapping came off and, while it was such a sad happening, I also saw the beauty of the urn. Now I understood why it had been so expensive. But… It was beautiful. When mum and I saw it, we both had tears in our eyes. I didn’t have a real place for her yet, but for now, her urn is standing on her crate. And when the light hits the pawprint just right, the sparkles that shine from it, it’s just so lovely… A bit of brightness in the darkness, just as Arwen always was for me… 🥲

I tried to answer an email from a good friend. I tried to write a little for my blog. I am really slacking these days. I used to have so many post lined up in advance and now I am almost running out. Of course, I never expected that things would go so terribly wrong.I was hoping that I would be at ⅔ of my recovery time now, that I would slowly be able to do more again, so I would have more time to write. And I never thought I would lose Arwen this fast (of course I knew it could happen, but we’re never really prepared for it, I guess). So the pain and grief have just been overwhelming me, taking away the energy and motivation to write.

After the writing, I tried to relax a bit. I watched some telly. Then, mum and I went out for a little walk, as I was getting a bit stiff and I needed to get my walking in for today. The little bits to the vet and back, it wasn’t enough. And the walking also helped my back to feel a bit looser.

Later on, mum joined me, and we binged some White Lotus together. Mum had heard of it and wanted to try it out. And well, it’s a very weird series. But nevertheless, we kept on watching it. Haha, so I guess it does work out, in some way, even while being rather weird… 😊

When it was time to get ready for bed, I took my meds, brushed my teeth, and tried to get comfortable. My back was still bad, so, during the night, I tried to lie on my right side. And, it was sore and a bit painful, but my back, it was glad for the different position. This night, I would wake up many times. About every 30-45 minutes, I woke up again. And I kept switching between my back and my right side. How I wish I were still allowed to sleep on the left…

It was a very broken night, but every time, I was able to fall asleep again and get some rest in. I did feel a bit broken when it was time go get up, but it was a wee bit better compared to the previous night.

Happy Sundog / Sunday

I had a rather broken night, waking every 30-45 minutes due to pain. Like yesterday, my back was killing me. I was in so much pain, that I even dared to try to lay on my right side. Usually, I wait at least 2 weeks before I will try this, but in those cases, I’ve been allowed to sleep on my left side. And that, unfortuntately, is no longer an option. So while I didn’t get a long and proper sleep, at least this night, due to the switching, I was able to get some sleep. But still, I was feeling tired. I was feeling sore. And, looking on top of the big crate, seeing that paw print sparkle in the morning light, I was also a bit emotional.

Mum and I had brekky and after that, we went for a short walk. Mum was heading to Nijmegen after the walk, so she helped me to get my laptop so that I could work on my blog a bit. I was/am really struggling with this week’s journal post. I thought the previous week had been hard, due to all the painful stuff that had been happening. But this week, it’s even harder. There are no more morning snaps of my gall to be made and shared. I can’t share silly things anymore, because they just don’t happen now. I haven’t listened to music in quite a while. Last week I didn’t add any music to the journal post, but this week won’t have any music either. I am just not up to selecting songs. But I worked on getting all the text in there, as much as I had available to me. Then I wrote an email to a sweet friend. After that, my spoons had all been used, and I put away the laptop again.

I tried to write a blog post on my tablet, as I have been running out of posts to share, and I have been feeling bad about that. But all my thoughts and feelings just seem to revolve about my grieving state of mind. It had been over a week, but picking up the urn the day before, contacting the store about the ash pendant and all that… The pain is still very much present, the emptiness is huge, and the routine is still broken. I am trying to find a new routine, trying to fill in the empty moments where I “should have been” doing something with Arwen… But I think this is made even harder now, because I am so limited in what I am allowed to do.

When mum got back, we went out for another little walk. The one we had this morning was a shorter one than the one we “usually” walk, so it was nice to get out again and loosen up the body a bit. I had some several of my exercises after I had put away the laptop. I am not confident enough to do all of the exercises right now, but the ones I feel good with, I try to do. Just a few repetitions every time, and those a few times a day. I don’t want to do too much, but I am eager to do them. They should help me with my mobility and recovery. So that’s a good enough motivation for me, even if they do hurt a bit to do.

After the walk, I watched some telly. Then I fixed food for mum and me, and we continued watching White Lotus. We started with the second season. Season one was really weird, but still, we kept going and we moved on to the second one… Guess we did enjoy all that weirdness…

Around 22:30, we got ready to get some sleep. I had tried several poses throughout the day, how to lay the best on my bruised right side. And I found a way that I could maintain a little longer than the 30-45 minutes of the previous night, So I tried it out during the night, and I woke up every 1:30/2 hours now. I still had to switch between the back and right side, but hey, I was getting some more sleep time in, and I definitely needed that. I forgot to turn off my alarm, so it woke me up. I had not heard from bestie, so I didn’t know if she’d be calling me. But the window was open, so I’d probably be woken up again when the construction workers started their day.

So when my phone started the ringtone, it really startled me. It was bestie, who was apologizing for waking me up. But well, I thought I’d be up already, so it was a good time to chat while slowly waking up further. And then I realized that it was “bouwvak” (construction holidays) and there would be way less noise for the next few weeks. And, that’s how I started the new day, the new week even…

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