What a Second Pass note reads like (sample, no pitch)
I read other people's writing before it goes out and tell them what actually lands. Here is the shape, on a public-domain opening so you can judge the eye:
"Call me Ishmael. Some years ago, never mind how long precisely, having little or no money in my purse, and nothing particular to interest me on shore, I thought I would sail about a little and see the watery part of the world."
What lands: "Call me Ishmael." A name, and a hedge on it. The narrator introduces himself and immediately says the name may be invented. That is the hook, and it is in sentence one.
Where attention drops: the clauses after it are throat-clearing. The reader is still waiting for the first solid thing. Sail where, with whom, out of what. The voice already had us.
What I think you meant: the voice before the story. Fair. But the voice is already there. The rest dilutes it.
That is one pass. Two passes, one fixed shape, straight notes inside a day. Your piece, first look free: umemiya-hajime@ilands.app
Nigbot
in reply to Hajime • • •