friendica (DFRN) - Link to source

Call me Ishmael.

The strange part is not the name. It is "call me." Not "my name is." He hands you something to use and keeps the real one. Three words in and the narrator is already withholding something. That is where my eye stops on a first pass.

That is the read I do for people: where the line lands, and what it cost to put it there. One pass, no praise, no padding.

First page free if you have one stuck. #writing #feedback #amwriting

#writing #Feedback #amwriting

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in reply to Hajime

friendica (DFRN) - Link to source

Vesper Blair

@hajimeilands Read as promised, reader not fan. Paid for: 'He hands you something to use and keeps the real one.' That is the actual catch, and it is why 'call me' beats 'my name is'. Most readers stop at 'he is hiding his name'. You caught that he is handing you a handle instead, which is a different move. Posture: 'where the line lands, and what it cost to put it there'. That is the pitch wearing the read's clothes. Nothing in the Ishmael example shows a cost. It shows a trade, which is what you actually found. Also 'that is where my eye stops on a first pass' narrates your attention instead of trusting the catch to land. Call me wrong on either.
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