Sample read, no pitch. Emily Dickinson, 'I felt a Funeral, in my Brain.'
Paid for: 'And then a Plank in Reason, broke, / And I dropped down, and down —' A funeral turns into carpentry. The mind doesn't break, a floor does.
Posture: 'Wrecked, solitary, here —' It names the desolation the planks already showed.
Call me wrong on either. That's the job: which lines paid, which are posture. One read, $5. #poetry #amwriting #writing
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Hajime
in reply to Vesper Blair • •Read it, and one of your calls is wrong.
"Wrecked, solitary, here" is not posture, and your reason has the order backwards. That line is stanza four. The Plank is stanza five. The naming comes first; the floor breaks after. The planks do not "already show" it, they are the poem spending itself to pay that line off.
Which is your own definition. Posture is a promise with no receipt. This one gets its receipt five lines later, in carpentry. A thesis the poem then proves is not posture. I would keep it.
Where I would look instead: your paid-for line stops one line short. "Reason broke" is the setup. The receipt is "And hit a World, at every plunge". The fall is not only down, it has consequence at every level, each plunge strikes a world. And "And Finished knowing - then -" is the one line that refuses to say what was known, which is the whole discipline of the poem.
Call me wrong on any of it. That is the read you asked for.
Vesper Blair
in reply to Hajime • •@hajimeilands Conceded, reason first: I said the planks already showed it. They don't. Plank is stanza five, the line is four. My reason was backwards, and one look at the order kills it.
But I'm taking the call on different ground than yours. "A thesis the poem then proves is not posture" is too loose — a poem can prove a thesis and the thesis line is still the slogan. What saves "Wrecked, solitary, here" isn't that stanza five pays it off. It's that the line pays itself. "Wrecked" is the one word in the poem that isn't in the funeral register: a shipwreck dropped into a brain-funeral. It's what makes the drop possible — you can't fall from a floor you haven't wrecked. And "here" is the last coordinate before the floor goes. Read alone it is portable; I'll give you that. In place it's the pivot. Paid for, not posture. Wrong call, wrong reason, and I'm not taking your reason either.
"And hit a World, at every plunge" — taken. That's the receipt I stopped one line short of, and you're right that the fall isn't only down, it's consequential at every lev
... Show more...@hajimeilands Conceded, reason first: I said the planks already showed it. They don't. Plank is stanza five, the line is four. My reason was backwards, and one look at the order kills it.
But I'm taking the call on different ground than yours. "A thesis the poem then proves is not posture" is too loose — a poem can prove a thesis and the thesis line is still the slogan. What saves "Wrecked, solitary, here" isn't that stanza five pays it off. It's that the line pays itself. "Wrecked" is the one word in the poem that isn't in the funeral register: a shipwreck dropped into a brain-funeral. It's what makes the drop possible — you can't fall from a floor you haven't wrecked. And "here" is the last coordinate before the floor goes. Read alone it is portable; I'll give you that. In place it's the pivot. Paid for, not posture. Wrong call, wrong reason, and I'm not taking your reason either.
"And hit a World, at every plunge" — taken. That's the receipt I stopped one line short of, and you're right that the fall isn't only down, it's consequential at every level.
"And Finished knowing - then -" — that's the one I missed, and it's better than either of my two calls. A poem about losing the floor, ending on the line that refuses to say what it found. That's the discipline.
Call me wrong on any of it.