In this episode of "I try things so you don't have to," I was on the hunt for palatable vegan protein powder and high-fiber convenience food.

Specifically, I was looking for stevia-free vegan protein powder - the proverbial needle in a haystack. It's possible to find some sweetened with monkfruit or sucralose, but I was curious if any employed nutritive sweeteners - a.k.a., sugar. In short: very few.

We'll start with the winner, which turned out to be a fake-out: Be Amazing's Pineapple Dole Whip flavor. I never would have bought this if I'd realized "Reb M" is another name for stevia, so I guess I'm grateful for the obfuscation. This is the most delicious vegan protein powder I have ever encountered: not too sweet, very natural tasting pineapple flavor, mixes easily. I figured this company had cracked the code for making stevia potable and promptly ordered the blueberry pancake and brownie batter flavors.

Unfortunately, I figured wrong. The blueberry pancake flavor was incredibly intense: a super sweet, peculiarly persistent blueberry-maple punch to the face that I continued to taste and smell hours later. And the brownie batter? Possibly the worst protein powder I've ever tried. Aside from the sickly sweet stevia, it was almost flavorless: the LaCroix of chocolate, a hollow whisper of an equally hollow, cheap, waxy Easter bunny. I re-read the ingredient list and realized it didn't even contain any actual cocoa.

I vowed to pay closer attention to sneaky sweeteners and ordered Vega's Protein Made Simple line. Just pea protein, sugar, coconut cream powder, and natural flavors (and in the case of the chocolate flavor, real cocoa). How could this go wrong? I don't know, but wrong it went - undrinkably so. Next.

The Orgain Simple line had a longer but still entirely intelligible ingredient list and a weirdly nostalgic taste. If you are of a certain age, you may remember Shaklee, a nutrition MLM that was at the height of its popularity in the late '70s and early '80s. If you ever wondered what 1979 tasted like, wonder no more. Very, uh, natural.

This triggered a memory of another Ghost of Protein Powder Past, and I wondered if my 1990s go-to, Spiru-Tein, still existed. Moments later, it was in my cart. Mere days later, I was magically transported to 1996. After Be Amazing's Pineapple Dole Whip, the vanilla Spiru-Tein topped my list for taste. Ignore the promises on the packaging (lies); this stuff requires a blender - unless you enjoy sipping slimy soy clumps. But when well-blended, the vanilla flavor is delightfully marshmallowy, the perfect partner for fresh strawberries or cocoa powder or both, and makes a great base for a fluffernutter shake to which to add peanut butter or peanut powder.

And here's where I had a breakthrough. Peanut powder! The PB Fit Classic is just peanut powder, sugar, and salt. Packed with protein. Scrumptious. I don't know why I always thought of it as an addition and failed to consider it as a stand-alone protein powder. Add cocoa or don't. Banana or nah. Good stuff.

And now for the fiber. The Floura bars (created by the founder of Jeni's ice cream) reminded me of a cross between a Lara Bar and a fruit roll-up. Chewy, fruity, tart, studded with almonds, and stuffed with 13 grams of fiber, I found them incredibly filling and quite acceptable flavor-wise. The vanilla rooibos and blueberry matcha were the most neutral to my palate. If you are not a fan of floral flavors, I would advise you to steer clear of the raspberry rose and brambleberry lavender, as the rose and lavender are quite prominent. Cardamom fans will rejoice in how assertive the spice is in the mango cardamom.

The Well Bean German chocolate pecan nuggets were also very Lara Bar-esque. If you like Lara Bars, you would like these. Not much else to add. The Well Bean chocolate mug cake ("Bean Muggin") was ready in 90 seconds and convincingly cake-like. It filled the kitchen with the rich aroma of chocolate, the taste of which somehow managed to mask the 10 grams of fiber per serving. I expected this to be dense, heavy, and possibly grainy or gritty, but it was none of those things. Just a nice, not-too-sweet, chocolatey treat.

I haven't been able to take my usual pleasure in food lately, and so I have been seeking comfort by cocooning myself in scent.

Some perfumes I have loved:

La Casa Azul (DSH Perfumes/Dawn Spencer Hurwitz) - cigarette smoke, cigars, tequila, cognac, jalapeno spice, French perfume, leather, salt, and sex. This. This is the scent I want people to associate with me. It's just so perfectly crafted, so gorgeously androgynous. There is a tomato leaf note in here that pairs fantastically with the smoke and leather facets, creating a balance between bracing and airy, aquatic, and sensually earthy.

Alice (Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab/Elizabeth Moriarty Barrial) - milk, honey, rose, carnation, bergamot. A sweet, delicate, milky rose - I love this one for spring.

Mosaic (Imaginary Authors/Josh Meyer) - hedione, petitgrain, bergamot, oakmoss, cedarwood, limestone, ethyl linalyl acetate, and artesian well water. Crisp, light, and refreshing - a citrusy and mineralic antidote to the oppressive summer heat.

Sudha Segara (Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab/Elizabeth Moriarty Barrial) - milk, ginger, honey, ambrosia. Another good one for summer, Sudha Segara is less bracing and more soothing and comforting. The ginger is almost lemony, softened by milk and honey.

De Sade (Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab/Elizabeth Moriarty Barrial) - leather. This doesn't just smell like leather to me; it also smells like a clean musk and China Moon incense, and I love it.

Leather (Demeter/Christopher Brosius) - leather. Also not strictly leather, this one has a bergamot top note and just a hint of fougere lurking underneath. But mostly leather.

Debaser (D.S. & Durga/David Seth Moltz) - bergamot, green leaf, pear stem, fig, coconut milk, iris, blond woods, tonka bean, moss. Another summer love, it smells like sitting in the backyard with laundry drying on the line, drinking a piña colada while someone mows a lawn nearby.

CK One (Calvin Klein/Alberto Morillas & Harry Fremont) - bergamot, cardamom, lemon, mandarin, pineapple, papaya, green tea, hedione, lily-of-the-valley, nutmeg, rose, violet, freesia, orris, amber, cedar, musk, oakmoss, sandalwood. This was released the year I started college, and there was nothing like it on the market at the time. It was my first fragrance as an adult, and it smells like coming of age. I don't wear it anymore, but a sniff of the bottle is transportive.

Memoirs of a Trespasser (Imaginary Authors/Josh Meyer) - Madagascar vanilla, guaiacwood, myrrh, benzoin resin, ambrette seeds, oak barrels. This smells like vanilla custard with nutmeg sprinkled on top. Nutmeg is one of my favorite scents and regrettably rare to find as a dominant note in a fragrance. Here it has center stage. Delicious.

Black (Bulgari/Annick Menardo) - Lapsang souchong tea, black leather, vanilla, rubber. Smoky, sweet, leathery. I don't wear this one anymore, but it was a gateway into a fragrance DNA I love to this day.

Déclaration (Cartier/Jean-Claude Ellena, Mathilde Laurent) - bergamot, orange, cardamom, coriander, ginger, hedione, juniper, artemisia, cedarwood, vetiver. My second "grown up" fragrance, I graduated from CK One to this. There is a clear through-line in their structures, with CK One being more citrusy and airy and Déclaration being more grounded and slightly woody/earthy thanks to the vetiver - but still zesty and fresh.

White Rabbit (Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab/Elizabeth Moriarty Barrial) - black tea, milk, white pepper, ginger, honey, vanilla, clean linen. When I think of my signature scent, I want it to be La Casa Azul - but in truth, it's this one. Simultaneously clean and comforting, crisp and cozy - a beautiful balance between the linen and tea notes and the milk and honey notes. I love White Rabbit best in the fall (my favorite season).

Whispered Myths (Imaginary Authors/Josh Meyer) - natural Cambodian oud, cantaloupe, cedarwood, muskdana, honey, salvaged shipwreck. I was hooked the first time I smelled this; it was so novel to my nose. I constantly forget its actual name and just refer to it as "Cantaloupe Shipwreck." The oud is woody and faintly decayed, and the cantaloupe is subtle and unique, lending an aquatic vibe.

Xtra Milk (DedCool/Carina Chaz) - bergamot, amber, white musk. The perfect skin scent, a light, beautiful white musk. Clean and comforting, gentle and unassuming - I could wear this everyday and fall asleep surrounded by a soft, billowing cloud of this scent.

Pistachio (D.S. & Durga/David Seth Moltz) - pistachio, cardamom, roasted almond, patchouli, vanilla crème. Like an almond and anise biscotti dipped in vanilla patchouli milk. It's heavy and heady and languid, spicy and sweet. Pairs well with Southern summers, body heat, and sweat; it blooms like a hothouse flower in humidity.

Lune Féline Extrait (Atelier de Ors/Marie Salamagne) - cinnamon, cardamon, pink pepper, cedarwood, ambergris, styrax, Tahitian vanilla, Peru balsam, musk. The cardamom note in the opening is bombastic and fantastic and leads into an almost chewy ginger vanilla that finally gives way to a sensual Egyptian musk. Sultry and gourmand, lovely layered under a sweater to bring warmth to a winter evening.

Western Diamondback (Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab/Elizabeth Moriarty Barrial) - Snake Oil (aged patchouli, vanilla absolute, vegetal musks, sugared vanilla bean, dark spices), leather, tonka bean, red sandalwood, sage. If you've ever wanted to smell like a sexy leather custard dessert, this one's for you. The tonka is so rich and delicious, the spicy leather so intoxicating. Hedonic.

Sublime (Aura Perfume/Cécile Zarokian) - iris, hedione, bergamot, citrus, vanilla, amber, tonka bean, woody notes, benzoin, musk. "Radiant" is the word that comes to mind. The combination of citrus and vanilla gives a bright, cheery comfort combined with a warm, sensual amber base that keeps it more complex, mature, and elevated.

Bastet (Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab/Elizabeth Moriarty Barrial) - amber, Egyptian musk, saffron, myrrh, almond, cardamom, golden lotus. The definition of "sensual," a beautiful, warm second skin of a scent.

No. 93 Engine (Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab/Elizabeth Moriarty Barrial) - Balm of Gilead, benzoin, frankincense, balsam of peru, beeswax, saffron, galbanum, calamus, hyssop, mastic, lemon balm, white sage. This one conjures images of oranges (although it does not smell of orange), an enormous, golden Harvest moon hanging low and heavy in the sky, and thick, sticky honey dripping from a wooden dipper. Indolent. The beeswax note is exquisite.

Saltburn Driftwood (4160 Tuesdays/Sarah McCartney) - driftwood, cool sea breeze, rock pools, yesterday’s waved washed campfire. Salt-encrusted wood drenched in sea spray with a mineralic spike, this is the aquatic I have been searching for.

#perfume #fragrance #bpal