(Long time) followers of the blog know that I love sharing… I’ve been writing loads here, for several years now. I’ve been sharing a lot on the Fediverse as well, expanding my profiles here, there, and everywhere! And I guess it can be overwhelming to some friends, as my brain is so chaotic and it needs to compartmentalize everything! It needs to be “neat and separated”, but that doesn’t mean that it’s easy to follow for my friends, as my brain works in mysterious ways.
As I’ve recently shared here, 😉, I have been looking for a “gathering account”, in the form of a Friendica one. I want to “gather” my toots from my different accounts there, by boosting the ones that matter from there. So, of people do want to follow me but not my dozen or so different accounts, they can follow my Friendica account, and see all the stuff I deem relevant there. As I write this, I’m still working on it (as the instance has some issues, unfortunately), but I do want to try this out and see if it works that way… 😊
But… Why share so much? Do I really think I’m that interesting? Do I believe that people would care for my silly tidbits? Do my social posts and all that really matter? And that comes to my low self image, as I often wonder if I do matter….
But sometimes, people reply to me and share something positive a out something that I shared or did. And just such a simple comment, it can make such a difference to it all…
I share because it helps me. My brain is always busy, words, thoughts, questions, they all buzz around all of the time. By writing about it, I can untangle the craziness of thoughts a little bit. Getting the words out by writing them, either in a blog or on social media, it calms my thoughts down. They feel like they’re “being heard”, if that makes sense 🤔…
I’ve always tried to keep journals. I started writing them enthusiastically and then I would drift off and forget about it. And then I’d start again for a short while… When things became more digital, and there was the internet, I started sharing things online. And now, since that I’ve been more active on this blog, I think this is the longest time that I’ve ever kept up with some sort of jounal. As I keep sharing journal posts here. They have changed a bit over the years, but I think the way I am doing it now, it’s one that I can maintain.
I love it when I can connect to people. I have always felt weird, like an outsider, like the world was not made for me to understand it or to fit in. It took about 31 years before, by accident to be honest, they “found out” that I am “on the spectrum”. It started with an ADHD test, which grew and then it became obvious to the psych that it wasn’t just “very obvious ADHD” but there was also “obvious Asperger Syndrome”. Yeah, I know we don’t use that term anymore, but it was still used when I got the diagnosis, so I am using it for retelling it as it was back in 2011.
Writing about my life, about my journey, about my struggles, about the small wins and bigger losses… It makes me feel like I belong. That, maybe, someone out there will find my words and they will take them in, and it will make a difference to them. My words might show someone that they’re not alone. That there is someone out there that understands, that’s been there, that’s sharing their story…
Maybe this is me, trying to leave a little bit of myself behind. Because I don’t have a high opinion of myself, as I am definitely my own worst critic, and I often feel like I just don’t really matter. So maybe, sharing my journey, my little sillyness, is a way to “rebel” against the feelings of being unworthy. If that makes any sense… 🤔
(and yes, I do often wonder if my babbling does make any sense at all, as my ADHD can be quite jumpy, making things for me seem logic, but to others, there are bits missing here and there…)
As I’ve shared in my recent post Trying to live online, it’s my way of connecting. Of feeling like I matter. Like my presence on this world has meaning. I’m not just a waste of space, using up air and all, as I keep going… Sometimes I just feel so worthless, especially when the depression is kicking my big behind again, and I need to feel… Something… Anything… And writing about it does help me then…
Sharing the daily bits, boring as they may be. Sharing the challenges, being honest about them, even when they hurt… They’re part of me, of who I am, of what I do… And I may not have a very meaningful life. But I do hope that my experiences can make a difference to others, however small they may be…
So, as I mentioned before, in my previous posts about this topic, I’ll keep writing… Bit by bit, day by day… 😊
To be continued…
Thank you for your interest in my blog. I really appreciate your visit. If you like my posts and you want to share them on your social media, please, feel free to do so! I’d be honored. If you don’t want to miss a thing, press the follow button (you’ll need to be a signed in WP user) or scroll down and leave your email below this post. If you are a WP user and you would like me to know you liked my post, press the star/like button please. Thanks ever so much! Of course comments are welcome as well, but spam won’t get shared, so don’t bother…
Please be wise and stay safe! I hope to see you back real soon again, feel free to drop in anytime! Wishing you all the best. With love, Cynni 🌹
I am living on a disability income and don’t generate an income with my blog. If you would like to support me and my work, I’d greatly appreciate it. Every bit helps me tremendously. For more information and a donation link, please check out ko-fi.com/PlaystationPixy
If you prefer to use PayPal, that’s also a possibility: PayPal.me/CynniPixy
Thanks ever so much 💜
Trying to live online
Recently, I have shared a few posts about dealing with life. How I felt fake at times, how I struggled to keep going by doing the daily routine and chores, how I just feel like I am stumbling through life. And I guess, this is a follow up to those posts.
I share a lot online. Maybe too much. But honestly, I don’t really care… I struggle with social interactions. I don’t have that many friends and most live further away, so I don’t see them that often. And some live too far away and I doubt that I will ever meet them. So my social interactions in real life, as they say, are rather limited. And I guess I am using the social media bits to feel some sort of connection.
I occasionally chat with friends online, but I am often scared that I will be a bother to them, so often I will wait for them to reach out to me. And I guess that doesn’t make me the best friend there is… 😔
So I write. I write on this blog. I write on Mastodon. I share snaps on Pixelfed. I try to make connections and be social and have conversations. But I feel like I am always saying the same, sharing the same, and I just feel like I am this big, fat bore… I know, I am my own worst critic…
I share things about my (daily) life. I write about my struggles, not just with health or money. I write about gadgets, gaming, TV series. But lately, I feel like I hit this vicious circle, where I am stuck in this pattern of doing the same thing over and over, and that includes my writing here.
The interaction I don’t have with folks offline, I try to achieve by sharing loads online. It’s not that I want to gather all the likes or anything like that… I just need a way to feel like I matter. If that makes sense 🤔… I need to believe that my daily (struggles through) life matters somehow…
flic.kr/p/2qJgVaC
As I recently shared, some days I feel fake, like it doesn’t really matter what I do, like no one would care anyway… I don’t need a “pity party”, but I just need to feel like it’s worth all of it. Even when it feels very mundane… 😔
Being single isn’t all bad. You get to live your life your own way. Which can be a great feeling of freedom. Sure, it has downsides. Enough of them, in different levels. But one thing I struggle with at times, is not having someone to just chat with. So, instead of chatting, here I am, typing my fingers off…
I have friends to chat with. I try to meet up with the ones that live near enough when they can and want to. But it it’s been a while since the last chat, I sometimes struggle to pick up the conversation again. I know I can just text most of them, but somehow, or just feels hard to do. But when they text me, I find it a lot easier to just reply…
Which reminds me that I should text sine folks later today… 🫣 (as I write this…).
But yeah, blogging or sharing on Fedi is a lot easier than texting folks when I feel I may be bothering them… A blog or Toot is less direct than a message that goes directly to the friend. And I know that many of my friends are OK with me texting when I can. I know they have their phones on DND (do not disturb) when they’re sleeping or working. But I still feel weird when I text them during the night, as part of me feels I should respect their sleep…. 🤔
So trying to live online through blogs, toots, sharing snaps and visa, sharing my life so I feel a wee bit connected to others through that. If that makes sense… 🤔 Sometimes it can be hard when it’s just you and your dog, and no one to chill out on the couch with, to share the daily bits…
Anywhoooo… That’s a reason why I enjoy blogging so much. Also cause it helps to clear my mind…
To be continued…. As I’ll keep writing…
Thank you for your interest in my blog. I really appreciate your visit. If you like my posts and you want to share them on your social media, please, feel free to do so! I’d be honored. If you don’t want to miss a thing, press the follow button (you’ll need to be a signed in WP user) or scroll down and leave your email below this post. If you are a WP user and you would like me to know you liked my post, press the star/like button please. Thanks ever so much! Of course comments are welcome as well, but spam won’t get shared, so don’t bother…
Please be wise and stay safe! I hope to see you back real soon again, feel free to drop in anytime! Wishing you all the best. With love, Cynni 🌹
I am living on a disability income and don’t generate an income with my blog. If you would like to support me and my work, I’d greatly appreciate it. Every bit helps me tremendously. For more information and a donation link, please check out ko-fi.com/PlaystationPixyIf you prefer to use PayPal, that’s also a possibility: PayPal.me/CynniPixy
Thanks ever so much 💜
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