I feel so much better when I do not have to beat my rhythm to most everyone else. My rhythm goes with what I feel is right and good.

I began my self-care journey when someone said to me "That's not selfish, it's healthy" I forget what it was I was going on about, but that one message changed my life, for the betterment of my own life, and there were people who were not happy with the new me, I was no longer their subservient.

I feel this toot way too much.

This guilt is exacerbated by the fact that I *want* to do certain things, but just don't have the spoons. And also by the feeling of not being able to justify the lack in spoons. Like, "everybody works hard, other people also have a job and family etc - how dare you feel exhausted by just this little bit of stress?" So, I don't "allow" myself to feel drained for things others consider "normal every day life".

Evening Kevin 👋😊

I was like you for so long, thinking that having time just to chill out was an extravagance, always feeling that, even when not being driven to it by my ND mind, I should be doing something ‘useful’.

It’s only in the last couple of years that I’m starting to understand that I need time to recover from days like today - which although on the surface was enjoyable was actually quite demanding - the swan seemingly gliding effortlessly thru the water while all the while my feet were paddling like mad underwater, maintains my masks & making sure I acted appropriately.

So tomorrow or Thursday when this catches up with me I will feel less guilty about needing a time out just to chill & recover.

Have a most excellent evening my friend 😊🫶🖖

@StarkRG @lizzard
I once heard a song, and its chorus line just sprang to mind for me:

„I’m working so hard
to make it look easy…“

And while it’s particularly true for us on the spectrum, we don’t know what it takes another person to appear like it’s all effortless. They may not even realise the toll it’s taking.

Try not to let it make you feel bad. We’re so hard on ourselves sometimes 💛

@StarkRG @lizzard
One thing I realised just now is: I got up early, thinking „mid March! Time to plant the toms!“

Since then, I proofread a whole issue that was due today, sent it in for printing, made a sourdough bread, packed a parcel, did the dishes, phone calls… and all the time there’s this background feeling of „I haven’t done anything yet“ because the toms still aren’t in the ground!

@nellie_m
Oh, I know *that* feeling. You're totally right, our perception of how "useful" we feel is usually totally skewed.

@StarkRG @pathfinder @actuallyautistic

I'm so early on my journey yet I've recognized this internalized ableism in myself. It presents very much how you describe. The difference, for me, is I see how much my wife is carrying, now that I finally feel the weight of the disabilities resulting from being autistic, and this leads to guilt.

I'm trying to push the boundaries, to keep testing them, to see if I'm adapting to these newly recognized and long ignored and hidden aspects of myself. I want to have more spoons! Yet if the count is growing at all, it is growing slowly.

@superball I'm trying to find this path for myself. I spent three decades working in Tech, getting ground down to a nub. What I know now is "I can't ever go back there."

I'm really not sure where I *can* go now. I just know it can't be "back". That way lies so very very much self-harm.