I know I've been complaining a lot today. Thanks for putting up with me.

I did get out to the garden before it rained. I did a bunch of grueling physical work, the results of which you can't even really see in the photo, but trust me. My arms and back will be very sore tomorrow.

This government cannot call me a nonproductive person! Also, I'm already working on a damn vegetable farm. MY OWN. I don't need to be reassigned just because I'm autistic, thank you very fucking much. I'm lucky in that my gardening partner is also autistic, so we can get into these hyperfocus jobs where we are actually laying really good groundwork for the future of this garden. (her task today was digging out brome which can be incredibly invasive and awful.)

One wild thing about being out there is the number of four leaf clovers we are finding. I also found a five leaf clover today.

Five leaves! FIVE!

Last year, when I was going through my herbalism training, every time I had doubts about what I was doing, when I next went out foraging, I would easily find four leaf clovers.

Never had I ever found any in my life prior to last year. Now I think I'm up to 16 or 18 total in as many months? I am taking these as signs that I am doing the right thing with my life. I am supposed to be gardening!

The big ones I am finding at this farm plot are astounding. I'm not picking them. They are like some kind of lucky talisman that just makes me super happy every time I see them. I flagged the plant that is producing so many mutations.

#Gardening #Farming #ActuallyAutistic

Life ain’t about stuff.

But here’s the thing—stuff can be pretty foundational to a life experience. It’s not about materialism; it’s about meaning. The objects we surround ourselves with—music, movies, photography, books, video games—they reflect who we are. You walk into my house, see what I’ve collected, and you don’t just see things. You see me.

Let me tell you about one of the “stuff”.

In 2015, things were getting very difficult for me. I had just dealt with a family death. My job was becoming more and more dicey. And things were about to get a whole lot worse. But before things got worse, my birthday arrived. And my wife got me something for my birthday. She wanted to get me a gaming PC. What she specifically got me was an HP Stream laptop.

It was blue. It had an 11-inch screen. It was definitely not a powerhouse. It ran on… some basic Intel chip, probably a Celeron. It had two gigabytes of RAM. 64 gigabytes of storage. And what’s more, the display maxed out at 720p.

You may be thinking, “That’s not a gaming PC.” And certainly, it’s not what most people imagine a gaming PC to be. But I’m telling you right now: this was a gaming PC. Because I gamed on it. And had a hell of a time. An amazing time.

Because the advantage of this laptop wasn’t just that it was cheap—though yeah, it was. It was light. It was small. The keyboard was tactile. It could take a beating. And the battery life was just amazing. I think the thing ran for about 12 hours without needing a charge. I could take that thing to a coffee shop, game for an hour or two, leave, hang out on a park bench, do some more gaming, then take the bus home, and while on the bus—do even more gaming.

The thing felt a lot like a Steam Deck before the Steam Deck existed. Now obviously it wasn’t, because form factors being what they are, a laptop is less playable on the go than a Steam Deck. But as far as laptops go, this was as convenient as they come. Though I acknowledge that triple-A gaming was simply not an option.

But what was an option—and a great one—were indie titles. And indies were exploding. Not only were they exploding, they were cheap. They were super cheap. And some of them were even free. No strings attached. Steam keys were being given away. And a few days after I got that HP Stream laptop, I discovered—on a website I forget—which particular indie game was being given away for free.

That game was called Enemy Mind.

I knew nothing about this game when it came out. I got it because it was free. And I’m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. If something is free, I’m taking it. What I didn’t know was that this particular game—Enemy Mind—was going to be one of the greatest horizontal shoot-‘em-ups I had ever played.

I’m not saying this lightly. I’ve played a lot of great shoot-‘em-ups. It’s one of my favourite genres, actually. I must have spent hundreds of dollars, if not thousands, in arcades playing shoot-‘em-ups. And what’s more, when I was a DOS and Genesis gamer, that’s the genre I often played. I could not get enough of shoot-‘em-ups.

But this game, Enemy Mind, had one of the most compelling game mechanics I had ever encountered. Because the thing with shoot-‘em-ups is: you’re almost always going to die, right? Like, okay, if you’re super skilled and you practice a lot, maybe you can be untouched and maybe you can finish the game. Personally, I’ve never finished a shoot-‘em-up on one quarter. I’ve tried. But it ain’t happening. These games are designed for you to die.

But Enemy Mind took that whole premise and turned it on its head. Because in this game, you’re not playing a ship. You’re a being of pure psychic energy, okay? And what you do is—you take over ships. You take over enemy ships. When you see an enemy ship coming at you, you shoot it. Fine. But what you can also do is transfer your psychic energy to another ship. So if it looks like you’re doomed, if it looks like you are on the precipice of death, as a Hail Mary, you can shoot another ship with your psychic energy and take it over.

Which gives you survivability. And you can just keep going. And going. And going.

You will die in Enemy Mind. But almost always it’s your fault, because it’s on you to transfer that psychic energy before your ship dies—and therefore you die.

The mechanics of this—the mechanics of psychic energy transfer as a device for survivability—I have never seen that before in a shoot-‘em-up. And I’ve never seen it since. And it’s a rare thing in any game genre. Although I do remember a game in the early 2000s called Geist, which was a Nintendo game that kind of had the same idea. But that was a first-person shooter—not a horizontal shoot-‘em-up. So very different.

But what made Enemy Mind so compelling wasn’t just the game mechanic. It was the story. At first you’re being pursued by a bunch of pesky humans trying to do you in—because you’re a threat, and they need to neutralize you. While you’re just trying to survive.

But then, as the game goes on, you encounter a war between humans and aliens. And you realize there’s a greater war happening. The humans are battling the aliens. And now, you can also take control of the aliens. So it becomes this kind of three-part tug-of-war—a Mexican standoff, if you will—between humans, aliens, and you, the psychic being.

And in terms of story? That’s just absolutely amazing. The story is a compelling reason in and of itself to play this game.

Now, seeing how this was very much an indie game of the 2010s—it was released in 2014—it has a very neo-retro feel about it. Actually, by conventional standards, we’d just call this a retro game. Because what retro means is: something new that feels old.

See, people call NES or Genesis games “retro.” But that’s not right. Those games weren’t trying to look old—they were trying to look futuristic. They’re vintage now, sure. But Enemy Mind? That’s retro. Because retro means new media made to feel old. It’s aesthetic intent, not historical accident. And this game nails it. It’s what we remember DOS or Genesis games feeling like—even if those systems couldn’t quite do what this game does.

It feels like either a DOS game or a Genesis game—but not quite. Especially with the pixel art. Enemy Mind does things a lot of those platforms would’ve struggled with. Especially in terms of lighting. But if somebody was super skilled? If somebody was really skilled and working on a Pentium around 1995? Absolutely. They could’ve made it happen but it would have taken lots of effort.

I’ve seen older games with a similar art style. You get the sense playing this that it was designed to make you feel like you were back in the ’90s. But it also gives you this kind of “what if?” Because in the ’90s, there was no game with these mechanics. Nothing. These gameplay mechanics in Enemy Mind—they’re new. They’re novel. And I still haven’t seen very many games do what it does—where you take control of enemy ships and just cascade your way through.

Getting back to 2015—when I played Enemy Mind—it’s interesting. Because again, I played this on a cheap laptop. At bus stations. At coffee shops. Sometimes I’d be at a convention, carrying this thing around, playing it. And it was the perfect game for that laptop.

You could play it with a gamepad. Absolutely. But my god, it was also amazing on a laptop keyboard.

And though this game was designed to make me feel like I could’ve been playing it in the ’90s, when I think back on it, I think mid-2010s. And despite the fact I was going through a rough time—things were about to get rougher—when I had time for myself, when I had to emotionally decompress, cut out all distractions and just chill—Enemy Mind was there for me.

And the beautiful thing about PC gaming? I want you to think about this for a second. I’ve played this game on all kinds of hardware. All kinds of displays. I’ve played it on a TV. On a monitor. On a big desktop. On my Steam Deck.

Hell, I remember going to a cyber café in Richmond, BC. It was right after a night of karaoke with friends. I’d been belting out tunes for three hours and I was exhausted. I left the karaoke joint, walked into that cyber café, ordered a bowl of instant noodles and a Coke, logged into my Steam account, started up Enemy Mind—and I just let go.

Enemy Mind is a great game. Just absolutely phenomenal. One of my favourite shoot-‘em-ups of all time.

But I also feel like this: it’s not about the game anymore. Because stuff is about life.

Enemy Mind is not just about the game. Though I’ve played the game, I love the game. It’s about my experience with the game. It happened because my wife wanted to get me a gaming PC. It wasn’t the perfect gaming PC. But goddamn, was it a gaming PC. And it came from her heart.

Then I got this game for free, on a lark, on a website—and that game ended up accompanying me everywhere.

And yeah, a whole lot of junk happened during that time. But I got some rest. I got some respite.

When I think about that game, I don’t just think about the mechanics. Or the graphics. Or the feel. I think about the moments.

It’s 9 PM. I’m sitting down for a break. At a local coffee shop. Exhausted. And for a few minutes, I launch Enemy Mind.

And for a moment… things feel like they’re going to be okay.

Ello sweet and lovely Friendos

Guess who's back? My alarm wasn't set to go off yet, but my brain was like "you've had enough sleep, let's be active again".

The scale was unkind, but I knew this would be the case, as I'd exercised less. And I did snack some, as I needed some comfort... 😔 I haven't gotten my steps in yet for today, so after this Toot, I'll hit the treadmill first before it's midnight.. 😇 Don't need many steps 😂 so should be do-able.

Yesterday was a mixed day. I worked on the garden for an hour. I was dead, but looking at it, I felt like I had barely begun... 😔 Weeding is hard work, especially with a bad body... But, I will take some extra pain meds this morning, and then get some more weeding done, before it gets too warm!

There was a lot of noise throughout the day from the construction work begind the house. And they're not done for a while... I was glad to have special NC plugs (without music), as they blocked out some of the noise, and I was able to read a bit in the garden. The morning sun was lovely on my sore muscles... 😊

I will have to work on the garden some more today. I wanna finish the corner for Arwen... I need some more anti weeds cloth for that area, and I want to put down an outdoor carpet, so she can have a decent spot in the shade to relax.

Germany is "closed" today, as May 1st is a holiday there. So I'll take mum to Germany on Friday, hope it won't be too busy if we go early... And I hope that mum will be able to go back to the garden center with me, for the cloth and carpet. The funds are low, but I have a wee bit left, so I'll gladly spend that on Arwen. I don't know how long she'll be with me, so if I can give her a nice spot I the garden when the weather is nice... I'll make sure to do that! 😁

Hopefully the noises will be less today, so that it will be easier to relax in the garden, as the weather should be warm! So when it's light out, I'll work on the weeds. And then I'll relax with reading after that. My right hand and elbow are hating me already, so that should be fun. Yay for extra physio these days... 😊

Guess I'd better get to that treadmill. It's still a bit busy, so I'll need the headphones and phone to distract me. But I need less than ten minutes before midnight, so I should be able to do that!

Hope you're all having a good time! May is getting closer, although it's there for some of you already! which means my bday is getting closer... And the surgery as well... 🫣 Whoops...

Catch you all later folks!

🍀 💜 🐾

#PixysJourney

#Journal of a slightly sore Dutch Pixy (Wednesday, 30/04/2025)

I woke before the alarm, but only about half an hour or so, so it wasn't too bad. I started my night by hitting the scale. No worries, it hit me back! 😂 I gave Arwen her meds and then I got dressed. Let Arwen out to do her thing, then got my own meds done. Waited for a while, before I could give Arwen her food. She was happily eating when I got my bag and headed to Skoosh.

I checked my social media bits while I enjoyed my protein shake. Then I got to the seated bike and rode for half an hour. Followed by the massage chair for ten minutes. I headed back home again, where I washed up and changed clothes.

After I enjoyed my brekky, Arwen and I got ready for walkies. The weather was nice enough, and we had a good walk. Arwen wanted the short round, so I followed her. Didn't get to work on my blog a lot, as I had less time... But it was a nice walk nevertheless. 😊

I changed clothes and headed upstairs to ride the home trainer for a while. When I got back down, I relaxed on the couch for a while with Arwen. I felt rather tired, and I knew I wanted to work in the garden some, so I needed a bit of energy for that...

After a short walk with Arwen, I got to the back garden. I worked for an hour, which felt like longer... But when I saw the work I'd done, it felt like I barely done a thing! I knew that there were many weeds and that I worked hard! But still, I felt like I should have worked harder, longer, and more. Stupid past trauma still kicking my ass... 😔

When my body had enough, I relaxed for a bit, until Arwen wanted walkies again. It was already getting warmer. We had a nice walk, and then I got my things to sit in the garden. I did need my NC plugs, as the sounds from the construction work behind the house were awful! Fortunately, I was re-reading a book that I love, so it was easier to focus on that, while trying to block out the noise... 😔 My muscles did like the warmth of the sun though...

After a while, I couldn't handle the noise anymore, so I went inside and shut the doot. Relaxed a bit with some telly, till it was time to walk the dog with the neighbor. As it was rather warm, we walked a shorter walk, with as much shade as we could get.

I relaxed a bit on the couch after that, till it was time to let Arwen our for a wee and for me to head to bed.

I quickly dozed off and when I woke, it was about 70 minutes till the alarm. I tried to sleep some more, but after five minutes of being wide awake, I just got up and started my day/night.

🍀 💜 🐾

#PixysJourney
#WeirdFolks
@weirdfolks

@actuallyautistic

For autism awareness, or I should say my autism and awareness.

Today I went out and did a couple of necessary tasks, tasks I had been aiming to do for a while now. I got around to booking an appointment with my optician, which meant that I had to go to their office, as phone calls of this nature are, if not beyond me, far more uncertain in terms of being sure I can wind myself up enough to actually make them and costly, in terms of the effort of not only speaking on the phone, but actually trying to make that conversation work and make sense enough that I don't end up feeling like smashing my phone into a million pieces halfway through it. So, the easier thing has always been to drive to the high street, find somewhere to park and then walk through the crowds and noise and overwhelming peopling, to eventually stand before a receptionist and hope like hell I can make enough sense to get what I need there, before I lose it completely from the overwhelm of it all. Which, actually, should pretty much tell you what I think about making phone calls.

Then, after that, I got to go to the post office to pay some money in. Thanks to the banks abandoning towns left right and centre here in the UK, this is the only way left now to deal with the tricky issue that some of us still get paid in and deal with cash. But, it also means that there is always a queue, there is always some old couple at the front of it, making a grand day and adventure out of what should have been a two-second job and waffling, gossiping and muttering their way into a state of ever-increasing and self-inflicted confusion over their task, just to further muddy the waters and make the whole thing last past the endurance of a saint. That there is always someone in the queue who is not only wearing a scent that is a sensory nightmare, but also seems to have bathed in it. That everyone in the queue needs to have their "little" chat with the women behind the counter and everything takes at least twice as long as it should and that during all this and by the looks I'm getting, that my ever-increasing frustration and discomfort and actual physical pain at having to stand in the queue, is not only being noticed by those ladies, but that as usual it's not necessarily in any good way.

And then after all that and I get home, after this simple, quick, trip out to do just a couple of things, I get to wonder why I'm suddenly so tired and why I feel as if that's pretty much it now for the day. Of course, I know that I am still in burnout. That I've always struggled, but didn't use to acknowledge it. That the ease I can remember in dealing with things like this in the past, isn't entirely the truth of how it used to be and that being 60 and a spoonie for other reasons doesn't exactly help. But, realising now that it's never been easy, doesn't make it any less frustrating. Or ease the dark thoughts gathering, that after a lifetime of this, of the exhaustion of masking and hyper-awareness, of rarely truly relaxing or being able to trust anyone. Of being alone and struggling, of PTDS and RSD and PDA and all the other things that make each day a struggle, that it will never get any better and only, in fact, worse. That this is the true price of getting older as an autistic, and that I'm only just beginning to pay it.

And then I hear a bird sing and see the sunlight dancing in the leaves of a tree. I remember something that makes me smile every time and find myself stimming in joy and alone in my world, I remember the truth of being autistic and the happiness it brings.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

SniffiVerse™ walkies Toot

Ello frens and fans of Arwen

Da Pixy and da lovely Arwen are back for walkies again! there are many sniffs, so Arwen is not too fast... The weather is warm, with 13°C at the moment.

Let's see how far Arwen will want to walk today...

I rode the seated bike for 22 minutes and then I did 8 minutes on the cross-trainer. Not too long, I know, but my muscles are still very tense, so doing those 8 minutes felt way longer. But... It also felt good to do. 😊

One of my muscles between my neck and shoulder just cramped up... which is still painful now, and I don't really know how to get it "back to normal", so I'll keep tyring to stretch in different ways, hoping that this will help.

As I mentioned in my gym Toot, I hope to get some work in the garden done today. I know my muscles will hate me for it, so I'll only be able to do short bits every day. But hey, small bits still count up to some progress? 😊

Hopefully I can game a bit after the hard work then...

Let's see if I can write a bit for my blog now. And wait and see which route Arwen will want to walk tonight.

Catch you all later folks!

🍀 💜 🐾

#PixysJourney