I used to be sure of myself. I either knew something, I didn’t know it and tried to learn about it, or I just wasn’t interested and it could not interest me in the slightest way… I used to know stuff, be curious about stuff, want to learn stuff… Sometimes, I went overboard with the gathering of knowledge, as I spent way too much time (and sometimes money) on getting my hands on more info. I learned that it was/is part of my AuDHD, getting the hyperfocus, or a special interest, that would absorb me all the way.
These days, I often doubt myself. I guess getting more brain fog symptoms when I got my fibro, and now being made worse at times by the peri-menopause… Also, having been in relationships where I was often told I was wrong, I misunderstood, I just was too stupid to understand… Those things combined, I guess they just added to the increased feelings of anxiety that I have been dealing with. I never had too many issues with it, until I tried to OD, until my life was gone as I knew it… And these days, I am struggling at times…
And it’s hard to talk about. It’s hard to describe the feelings when you’re feeling overwhelmed. When you’re doubting your knowledge and abilities. When you’re unsure and you’d just like to be invisible and all that. It’s hard to talk about negative things, especially when it’s about your inability to properly function. At least, that is how I experience it.
I notice it a lot these days. With chores that I want to do. With being social on social media. With planning ahead for things that I need to do, want to do, and should be thinking about. If that makes any sense… 🤔 But, I often feel like I am doing things wrong. Like I am not doing them good enough. Like I am being dishonest, because I say that I will do my best, and then I just feel like I am doing anything but that… 😔
I feel like I am over sharing things, babbling too much, making no sense, boring people to death with my silly things… I feel like I am not saying the right things, like I am not being supportive enough, like I am not being a good friend. I should be more giving, more caring, more compassionate. But the harder I try to push myself, the more I doubt that I am doing the right thing.
Maybe I am just not capable of doing this social thing right enough. Maybe I just can’t “see” or understand how it should be done properly. I feel like I am putting people under pressure, by asking them to be there for me, by chatting with me, by being too weird and all that I just described.
I think I am dealing with another bout of depression. I struggle more. It all seems to be so much harder these days. Is it that my depression came back? Is the peri-menopause causing issues with the hormonal changes? Am I just not doing things right enough? Ugh… So many questions, so many doubts, so many worries… And I don’t want to ask others all the times, as it feels stupid to ask for some sort of “re-assurance”, it feels so weird to me… 😔
I’ve also noticed that my old trauma (I guess it’s that? 🤔) gets triggered when my routine gets disrupted. When I am no longer in my “usual” comfort zone, it’s very easy to become anxious and worried about me and my doings. I worry if I am “too much” for folks. Like I share too much, I demand too much attention, I don’t give enough attention to others myself, I am too “self promoting” maybe… There’s just so many doubts when I get hit with the anxiety bits.
I’ve shared a bit of this on Mastodon recently, and I got some very kind replies, for which I’m very grateful. 💜 As they really helped me. I know I can be very insecure about myself and my online presence, as part of me just wants to please everyone. But… It’s the interwebs, you just can’t do that! You need to be you, or so I’ve been told, and people will either love you for it, they won’t care, or they’ll block you for it…
And I guess that’s just hard at times. Due to the AuDHD, I’ve never been good with social things. I never really understood how friendships worked, and often I tried to do all I could to please others so that they would be kind to me.
But yeah, as I grow older, as my body and mind seem to change with the passing of time… I start to doubt myself more. I feel more insecure. I worry more. Where I used to be more believing in myself, now I constantly need someone, anyone I guess, to tell me it’s OK and that I am capable and/or worthy. And it’s hard to live with that. Because asking for that reassurance just feels weird and demanding. If that makes sense… 🤔
I sometimes (often?) wonder if more people struggle with these insecurities. Some people just seem to have no issues with doing the social stuff. Some people just seem to be able to get everything done that they set their mind to. Some make it look so easy, and that makes me wonder if it’s just how I perceive it, or if it’s really that easy for them. I guess, sometimes, during my less good days, I can be a little jealous to the successes of others. 😔
Like, when I share something personal that I’d love some feedback on, and it barely gets any interactions. And then someone else shares something and within ten minutes, it’s almost a trending thing, or so it seems to me then… And feeling this weird jealousy is not good. It’s making me feel bad again. As I know I should not compare. I don’t need to be an influencer. I don’t need the big numbers. But… Part of me just wishes for more interactions when I feel a bit down…
I guess it’s also because I’m alone. OK, I have Arwen and she’s a real sweetheart! But she can’t replace the comfort at times that some humans can give you when you’re struggling… So, maybe when I deal with the anxiety, the “being alone” part just adds to how I feel… 😢
flic.kr/p/2qQzZFi
Society taught me that I needed to do good. I needed good grades to matter. I needed to be good at social bits or be bullied. I needed to find a job and earn my money. I needed to make progress in that job, to become more important and start earning more. When I lost part of my health, when I lost the ability to work, to give it all the full 100% (and then some), it just felt like I stopped mattering to the world, to others. I was just a waste of space, money, and resources. And that hurt me so much, as I have always given all I could, up until the point where my body and mind just gave out in the worst possible way…
I’m grateful that I don’t have to deal with the stress of a job, where my health was suffering to me ends meet. I’m grateful to have what I have now. But… If I could change it… I’d rather have my health and a job that would allow me to earn my money…
So when things are hard, especially financially and physically, I feel bad about not being able to participate. And that makes me doubt myself again, and it will add to my feelings of low self-esteem. Which, of course, add to the anxiety and all that…
I have many wishes, some more realistic than others. But… A healthy body, a decent job with a nice pay, less insecurity about myself (and my finances)… Yeah… That would/could really make a difference…
But I guess that will never happen, as there’s been no improvement (more the opposite) in the last 11 years… So I guess, some days, I’ll just have to deal with the anxiety and doubts about myself… 😔
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Ello sweet and lovely Friendos 
Ugh... This is me venting a bit, so I'll add a CW, as it may mean that this Toot will have be babbling a bit too long winded... 🫣
Here it goes...
Lately, I've been struggling with my anxiety and feelings of being inadequate and annoying.
I feel like people are tired of my long babbling toots. I feel like they're tired of my silly replies. I know I'm not the best with commenting, but I've been trying... 😔 But it just feels like people avoid me and my silly emotions.
And I know this is probably a combination of my hormones, a depression, a disturbance of good sleep and decent routine, that's all making me feel this way.
And this is in no way aimed at anyone in particular, this is me venting my stupid thoughts... 😔 But these thoughts do affect how I am online, and I want to be honest about my struggles.
I don't want to bore anyone. I want to be supportive. Caring. Understanding. And I guess, sometimes I may try too hard and overdo it. Or I may write the wrong things. Or maybe people expect me to comment and then I don't, and maybe they're disappointed in me...
I'm fighting all these emotions. All these silly ideas. All these worries. And I guess I'm making things worse for myself. I'm taking things the wrong way because I can't filter them properly. Because I am just a mess... Maybe also because I'm trying too hard..?
So...
Sorry if I may have written a reply that caused you discomfort. I'm sorry if I have been too needy, too wanting, too much of it all...
I wish I could understand my feelings better. I wish I could understand social bits better. But I've never been too good with that. I could say it's maybe just my AuDHD making me weird... 😔 Maybe it's just all me all the way...
Ugh...
I may lurk today. Or maybe I'll try to overcompensate and Toot way too much...
Again, this is my brain struggling with making sense of my silly emotions. This is not meant at anyone in a negative way. But it is affecting me, so I thought I just should share it. Even though it's a bit scary to admit that I'm struggling so much at the moment. Gotta love the anxiety... 
Fankoos for reading all this way. I really appreciate it.
Catch you later, I guess... 
🧚🏼♀️ 🍀 💜 🐾
#PixysJourney
hope you all had a decent weekend and that the new week will start (or had started, for some of you) the best way possible! 
tl;dr
in reply to Pixy's Journey • • •John - 🎞️ Film Nerd 🎞️
in reply to Pixy's Journey • • •Pixy's Journey
in reply to John - 🎞️ Film Nerd 🎞️ • • •Hahaha well... It was one of the first links I saw and I scrolled though it and the info seemed proper, so it was good enough to mention. 😉 Don't eat the painful elbows though! 😇 Hihi...