β¦if that makes senseβ¦ π€
I thrive on routine, as many of you following this blog may already know. And I feel like it helps me loads, I know what to expect, I know what I need to do. I know what to prepare for, what will take the most spoons, when I can relax and just be a couch potatoβ¦ π
But there are times that it just feels fakeβ¦Like I just do things because itβs expected of me to do. You have to do this and that, because thatβs βpart of lifeβ. You have to do the daily chores, you have to keep going and do what you βneed to doβ.
There are things that I like to do. Late night visits to the gym. SniffiVerseβ’ walkies with Arwen, especially when the weather is good for it. I like writing for my blog. I can enjoy some TV series, movies, and some occasional bits of gaming. But for me, sometimes, when the night is over, I feel like I need to βendureβ the rest of the day. Eagerly awaiting the time going by, so that I can head back to bed again. And then do the fun things again during the night.
Sure, there are more things that I do and also enjoy. But somehow, sometimes, I feel like I am faking life. I am faking living. And I know it may sound weird. But doing the daily chores, it just feels like I do it because I have toβ¦
When I am struggling with depression or an autistic burnout, these feelings are stronger than ever! I have so many questions running though me at times like that, where I question everything that I βneedβ to do. I sometimes do that when I am procrastinating doing chores that I donβt want to do (often the cleaning chores).
I will ask myself why I should clean this or that. What use will it be, as it will be dirty again in no timeβ¦ But then, a little voice often tells me that if I donβt do it, it will only get worse, meaning I need to do even more when I finally get to doing it.
Why do I need to clean? Why should I open the curtains? Why should I wear clean clothes? And, when the darkness is really heavy, I even ask myself: Why should I eat better and exercise? What is the use of doing these chores if I just have to do them again tomorrow?
I know I should walk Arwen and care for her. I never question that! But it can be hard to care for myself. And to keep the place I call home clean and a safe haven to recover in. I know I will be annoyed if the place gets too dirty/messy. I know I will be too ashamed if that happens and someone would see it, or even know about itβ¦ π
flic.kr/p/2qFHfiP
And the silly thing is, when I do those chores that βbugβ me so much, when they have been done, I feel better about it. I finished a chore. I made things better again. I didnβt give up. I fought back and well, I get to do it again soonβ¦ Cause thatβs the way things go. Doubt the chore, be annoyed by it, finally do it, and then, feel good about it. But, of course, I will doubt it again when it comes up to be done againβ¦
But sometimes, it just feels fake. Like I am doing things because theyβre expected of me, of humans. Because theyβre part of the daily chores of life. And while I know that itβs all real, when you need to do chores, especially the ones that trigger you most, then it just feels off, at least to me.
I have no idea if this makes any sense. I donβt know if this is something others experience as well. I wonder if it could be an AuDHD thing, or maybe itβs just a βmeβ thing. And I wonder if there is anything that I could do to make these βfeelings of being fakeβ less present. Will I be able to see these chores as anything more positive? I mean, I do often feel good when I have completed themβ¦ π€
I dunnoβ¦ I just think these things at times and I canβt place the thoughts. I know the chores need to be done, even though I donβt always do them well enough. And I guess thatβs also why I struggle with some at times, because in the past, Iβve often been told that I needed to do these chores betterβ¦ Maybe that trauma is playing a part in how I perceive my life, dealing with these chores?
So yeah, when I am done with the things I usually enjoy during the night, when the day starts and the βnormal daily lifeβ begins again, it can be hard to keep going through the dayβ¦ Doing the βdaily life choresβ that need to be doneβ¦
Obla-di, obla-da, life goes onβ¦ π
Thank you for your interest in my blog. I really appreciate your visit. If you like my posts and you want to share them on your social media, please, feel free to do so! Iβd be honored. If you donβt want to miss a thing, press the follow button (youβll need to be a signed in WP user) or scroll down and leave your email below this post. If you are a WP user and you would like me to know you liked my post, press the star/like button please. Thanks ever so much! Of course comments are welcome as well, but spam wonβt get shared, so donβt botherβ¦
Please be wise and stay safe! I hope to see you back real soon again, feel free to drop in anytime! Wishing you all the best. With love, Cynni πΉ
I am living on a disability income and donβt generate an income with my blog. If you would like to support me and my work, Iβd greatly appreciate it. Every bit helps me tremendously. For more information and a donation link, please check out ko-fi.com/PlaystationPixyIf you prefer to use PayPal, thatβs also a possibility: PayPal.me/SuperCynni
Thanks ever so much π
Rasta
in reply to Tim McTuffty • • •Rasta
in reply to Rasta • • •Rasta
in reply to Rasta • • •I haven't been on all day, shopping, finishing brakes (done)
DoubleTreble π₯°π΅πΈππΊπ¦πΊππ§Άπ«
in reply to Tim McTuffty • • •ActuallyAutistic group reshared this.
Tim McTuffty
in reply to DoubleTreble π₯°π΅πΈππΊπ¦πΊππ§Άπ« • • •@DoubleTreble Morning DT π€π₯°
Thanks π
Hope you have a good day ππ«ΆπΏοΈπ
ActuallyAutistic group reshared this.
Pixy's Journey
in reply to Tim McTuffty • • •Tim McTuffty
in reply to Pixy's Journey • • •@PixysJourney Thanks Cynni - I should just ignore them for the hate speech that they are, but sometimes itβs hard to.
Appreciate the hugs Sweetie ππ«ΆπΏοΈπ
Pixy's Journey
in reply to Tim McTuffty • • •you're very welcome! π€ And yeah, just ignore, or even block if it gets too bad, that's what the block is for... You can try to fight but often it will only get you more angry as people with bad ideas are often so set in them that they won't see your ways, no matter how hard you try.... π
You're very welcome again!