โฆif that makes senseโฆ ๐ค
I thrive on routine, as many of you following this blog may already know. And I feel like it helps me loads, I know what to expect, I know what I need to do. I know what to prepare for, what will take the most spoons, when I can relax and just be a couch potatoโฆ ๐
But there are times that it just feels fakeโฆLike I just do things because itโs expected of me to do. You have to do this and that, because thatโs โpart of lifeโ. You have to do the daily chores, you have to keep going and do what you โneed to doโ.
There are things that I like to do. Late night visits to the gym. SniffiVerseโข walkies with Arwen, especially when the weather is good for it. I like writing for my blog. I can enjoy some TV series, movies, and some occasional bits of gaming. But for me, sometimes, when the night is over, I feel like I need to โendureโ the rest of the day. Eagerly awaiting the time going by, so that I can head back to bed again. And then do the fun things again during the night.
Sure, there are more things that I do and also enjoy. But somehow, sometimes, I feel like I am faking life. I am faking living. And I know it may sound weird. But doing the daily chores, it just feels like I do it because I have toโฆ
When I am struggling with depression or an autistic burnout, these feelings are stronger than ever! I have so many questions running though me at times like that, where I question everything that I โneedโ to do. I sometimes do that when I am procrastinating doing chores that I donโt want to do (often the cleaning chores).
I will ask myself why I should clean this or that. What use will it be, as it will be dirty again in no timeโฆ But then, a little voice often tells me that if I donโt do it, it will only get worse, meaning I need to do even more when I finally get to doing it.
Why do I need to clean? Why should I open the curtains? Why should I wear clean clothes? And, when the darkness is really heavy, I even ask myself: Why should I eat better and exercise? What is the use of doing these chores if I just have to do them again tomorrow?
I know I should walk Arwen and care for her. I never question that! But it can be hard to care for myself. And to keep the place I call home clean and a safe haven to recover in. I know I will be annoyed if the place gets too dirty/messy. I know I will be too ashamed if that happens and someone would see it, or even know about itโฆ ๐
flic.kr/p/2qFHfiP
And the silly thing is, when I do those chores that โbugโ me so much, when they have been done, I feel better about it. I finished a chore. I made things better again. I didnโt give up. I fought back and well, I get to do it again soonโฆ Cause thatโs the way things go. Doubt the chore, be annoyed by it, finally do it, and then, feel good about it. But, of course, I will doubt it again when it comes up to be done againโฆ
But sometimes, it just feels fake. Like I am doing things because theyโre expected of me, of humans. Because theyโre part of the daily chores of life. And while I know that itโs all real, when you need to do chores, especially the ones that trigger you most, then it just feels off, at least to me.
I have no idea if this makes any sense. I donโt know if this is something others experience as well. I wonder if it could be an AuDHD thing, or maybe itโs just a โmeโ thing. And I wonder if there is anything that I could do to make these โfeelings of being fakeโ less present. Will I be able to see these chores as anything more positive? I mean, I do often feel good when I have completed themโฆ ๐ค
I dunnoโฆ I just think these things at times and I canโt place the thoughts. I know the chores need to be done, even though I donโt always do them well enough. And I guess thatโs also why I struggle with some at times, because in the past, Iโve often been told that I needed to do these chores betterโฆ Maybe that trauma is playing a part in how I perceive my life, dealing with these chores?
So yeah, when I am done with the things I usually enjoy during the night, when the day starts and the โnormal daily lifeโ begins again, it can be hard to keep going through the dayโฆ Doing the โdaily life choresโ that need to be doneโฆ
Obla-di, obla-da, life goes onโฆ ๐
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Please be wise and stay safe! I hope to see you back real soon again, feel free to drop in anytime! Wishing you all the best. With love, Cynni ๐น
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Thanks ever so much ๐
Rasta
in reply to Tim McTuffty • • •Rasta
in reply to Rasta • • •Rasta
in reply to Rasta • • •I haven't been on all day, shopping, finishing brakes (done)
DoubleTreble ๐ฅฐ๐ต๐ธ๐๐บ๐ฆ๐บ๐๐งถ๐ซ
in reply to Tim McTuffty • • •ActuallyAutistic group reshared this.
Tim McTuffty
in reply to DoubleTreble ๐ฅฐ๐ต๐ธ๐๐บ๐ฆ๐บ๐๐งถ๐ซ • • •@DoubleTreble Morning DT ๐ค๐ฅฐ
Thanks ๐
Hope you have a good day ๐๐ซถ๐ฟ๏ธ๐
ActuallyAutistic group reshared this.
Pixy's Journey
in reply to Tim McTuffty • • •Tim McTuffty
in reply to Pixy's Journey • • •@PixysJourney Thanks Cynni - I should just ignore them for the hate speech that they are, but sometimes itโs hard to.
Appreciate the hugs Sweetie ๐๐ซถ๐ฟ๏ธ๐
Pixy's Journey
in reply to Tim McTuffty • • •you're very welcome! ๐ค And yeah, just ignore, or even block if it gets too bad, that's what the block is for... You can try to fight but often it will only get you more angry as people with bad ideas are often so set in them that they won't see your ways, no matter how hard you try.... ๐
You're very welcome again!