When I first got ditched and thrown away like yesterday’s rubbish, I struggled. I had never truly been on my own and I didn’t know how to be alone. I was used to company, a lover, a guiding hand, someone to share things with. And here I was, broken and used, thrown into a new life with no real certainties, except that I had Arwen and I was so happy to keep her in my life.

That’s been over 6 years now, and I am still alone. And I don’t mind being alone. Sure, I mind it at times. I miss having a partner to share things with. I miss yhe company, the comfort, the stability the right person can provide for you, with you. But I also enjoy being on my own, doing what I want, when I want it, however I want it. I rarely feel lonely, but sometimes, I do feel alone. If that makes any sense… 🤔

I share loads online. Text on Mastodon, and on this blog of course. Images on Pixelfed and occasionally on Insta. Videos on PeerTube. I don’t need to become popular, although I have to admit that I do enjoy it when people like my things. It does make me feel good when people even boost my content. And when they take the time to say something kind, that’s even more special to me.

I know I struggle with replying to messages by others. I often like things and I am trying to get better at boosting more. But when I share things that are special to me, that have meaning to me, it matters more to me when people interact with those messages. It makes me feel seen. It even makes me feel worthy at times. And I guess, that is something that I do miss while being alone.

I know my friends care for me. I know my parents and Arwen love me. I know I can reach out to them and get some comfort should I need it. It may not always come “right away”, as I have a nightly routine, as people don’t sit and wait for me to contact them (apparently they’re also trying to live a life 😉 ). But I know that most of my friends and my parents, they will get back to me when they’re able. And that’s all good.

Then why do I get this “ungrateful” feeling of being alone at times? I guess I will need to explain this a bit further, as I know my AuDHD, my depression, my dealings with trauma… I know I see and experience the world in a different way, so if I would like people to understand me better, it starts by me using better words to “paint the picture”.

I write my blogs, as you obviously know. I’ve stated several times, I write for me. I try to clear my head, I try to get my thoughts out there, or, as some would say, I try to get all my ducks to go in a neatly lined up row. But when people tell me that they read my blogs, which makes me super grateful, and then they never really comment on its contents… It makes me feel a tad disappointed at times.

These posts deal with some very personal things at times. Things I’ve struggled with. Things I am still struggling with. Things that matter to me. And, some days, I would love to get some feedback from the people that matter to me, especially the ones that tell me they read my blogs.

Now, please don’t get me wrong! No one needs to chat with me about my blogs, no one needs to even read them at all. But, it’s just me and my feelings, that are being asshats at times, when I don’t get any feedback on the things that I have been sharing.

flic.kr/p/2qBh8BN

Some very sweet people do chat with me about the blogs, and I find it so very helpful to me at times. To go deeper into the things I’ve been dealing with. To learn about their experiences, their views on things, how they handle them. I learn from feedback, especially as my AuDHD has a different view on the world and I don’t always “get it”, as neurodivergent people “get it”. So, getting feedback from friends and loved ones, either NT or ND, is just so helpful. And, it makes me feel seen, it makes me feel like I matter, it makes me feel better to know that they care enough to first read my babbling and then, to talk with me about it.

As said, I don’t feel lonely, really. I feel alone at times, that’s very true. But I am not really in a state of distress or discomfort over being alone. There are times when I keep checking my phone though, to see if I have any messages, if someone has replied to any of my social media bits here or there. So I guess, when I do that, I do experience some loneliness. But I feel like I sometimes just feel alone. If this makes sense at all, as I feel I am a babbling mumbling baffoon at times! 😂

I guess, what it comes to in the end, is that I really enjoy chatting with people about things that I’ve written about. I enjoy learning things from others, I like to be able to see things from different perspectives (although I sometimes fail at that because I “just” can’t see it, unfortunately). And while I don’t despair about being on my own with Arwen, I definitely look forward to chatting with friends.

I love going online with friends and gaming with them, while we chat about this and that, serious and silly. I enjoy catching up with (online) friends, to know how they are doing, to maybe be able to set up a day and time to meet up, or to set a day and time to game together online. I don’t really need to have someone around all the time, as said, I don’t really feel that lonely. But, in my (limited) capacity, I do enjoy chatting with friends. And I really value their feedback on things that matter to me.

Someone mentioned that what they miss the most of the spontaneous and direct feedback that you can get from a partner that’s near you. And I totally agree. You get to share something together and the response and emotions are shared immediately. It’s a direct support, no waiting for a reply, less chance of the emotions getting “lost” over time. So yeah, while I enjoy my online experiences, I do miss that spontaneous and instant connection at times. Sometimes I “just need” some form of support, and when those needs aren’t being met, I can feel very alone and disappointed.

This is by no means telling folks that “I need them to do better”, it’s me struggling at times when I have silly needs that are harder to please. If that makes sense… 🤔 Know that I appreciate all the positive interactions we share! 💜

Thank you for your interest in my blog. I really appreciate your visit. If you like my posts and you want to share them on your social media, please, feel free to do so! I’d be honored. If you don’t want to miss a thing, press the follow button (you’ll need to be a signed in WP user) or scroll down and leave your email below this post. If you are a WP user and you would like me to know you liked my post, press the star/like button please. Thanks ever so much! Of course comments are welcome as well, but spam won’t get shared, so don’t bother…

Please be wise and stay safe! I hope to see you back real soon again, feel free to drop in anytime! Wishing you all the best. With love, Cynni 🌹

I am living on a disability income and don’t generate an income with my blog. If you would like to support me and my work, I’d greatly appreciate it. Every bit helps me tremendously. For more information and a donation link, please check out ko-fi.com/PlaystationPixy

If you prefer to use PayPal, that’s also a possibility: PayPal.me/SuperCynni

Thanks ever so much 💜

Writing a blog, sharing (long) Toots on different accounts on Mastodon, sharing snaps on Flickr and Pixelfed, sharing vids on PeerTube, sharing reels on Loops… Sharing is part of what I do. Do I think I am interesting enough? Maybe… I do think my life can be a bit of a bore at times, due to me having this whole routine. But I do try to be active. Not to only share good things, but to be real, and share the struggles as well. Although at times, sometimes it feels there are more struggles to share than good bits. Which can be a bit of a bummer at times.

But why do I share? Hmm 🤔 I dunno, not really, to be honest. I feel it’s like a way to journal, to document my journey through life, through the different mediums I just mentioned. I try to add info to relevant things. I try to add a nice snap or vid. On Masto, I’ll throw in some funny emojis (I just love those!). I would like to connect to others. People that enjoy my stories, that enjoy the snaps and vids of Arwen, that also seek to connect with like-minded folks. Let my weirdo light shine bright so that the other “weirdos” (or, friendos, as I call them) may find me.

I am not the best with the whole “social” stuff. Sometimes I am too anxious to reply, as I am afraid I may say/write the wrong things. Sometimes I have trouble to continue a conversation, as I feel I may be disturbing the one I am contacting. I can think “I should text them” and think that for several days before actually sending that text. When someone shares something, and I want to reply, I know that often, I compare things they shared with my own experiences. I know this can be annoying, but it is how I connect, or try to connect.

And still, I love to share! Maybe because, when I am writing, I have all the freedom to express myself as I feel and how I see fit. And, I love it when people connect with that, like it, and it’s even more amazing when they share/boost it, and/or when they comment.

I know it is weird, I struggle to boost others, I struggle to reply to others, but I do enjoy scrolling though the time line and placing likes when I’ve enjoyed the post/Toot that I just saw. I find it difficult to do, what I love when others do it for me. Is this me and my insecurity? Most likely… But when people respond to my bits, it’s because they felt connected to something I shared. And that makes me feel good. I know, it’s very narcissistic to say that I enjoy that kind of attention. But hey, let’s face it, I guess we all enjoy it on some level, otherwise we would not be sharing all these things that we share… Or maybe this is just how I perceive it and I may be wrong. So, to be on the safe side, these are my views and opinions, not meant to hurt anyone in any way…

I love to journal, but I was never very consistent with it. But with things getting more digital, with the mobile phones being as capable as they are these days, it’s way more easy to keep a journal. To write about the daily bits of life. And now, with Mastodon, and my awesome instance with a huge character limit (and many awesome emojis!), I can share even more. And I know, it’s not everyone’s cup of tea… And that’s totally OK!

When I started this blog, and throughout all the posts that I have shared, I have always been totally honest. I started this blog for me, to help me, to ease my mind, to clear my thoughts, to share my journey through life… And, if people enjoy it, that just makes it even more awesome! I enjoy sharing. I enjoy it, I think, because it’s also a way of keeping my routine and my life under some form of control, if that makes any sense… 🤔

Like I shared a little while ago, if I had the means and the funds and all that, I would love to create a little corner on the interwebs and make it all mine… Have control over all my social interactions in every way. But, I am a big n00b without any knowledge, nor the funds to accomplish any of it, so it will always be just a silly daydream.

A while ago, I did succeed in canceling my Instagram account. It took some effort, but the 30 days are counting down. I will definitely miss following some good folks! But Meta… Just… Eugh… 😔 So I’m focusing more on the Fediverse, which makes me a bit disappointed that I could never make the Pixy’s Corner a real thing… If only I could meet a wonderful and sweet tech Wizz that would become my partner and who would love to create the corner for me… 😉 Having a partner does sound nice at times. It’s OK to be single, but sometimes I do feel a bit alone.

Which makes the need to connect with others even more important at times. 😊 And I always feel so blessed when people take the time to read my posts/Toots, watch my snaps/vids, and when they take time to like, boost, or even reply! It makes me feel seen, appreciated, worthy, which means a lot! 🌸

So yeah, making connections is so important to me. And even though I struggle with the social bit, I keep trying… I’ll make mistakes. I’ll say the wrong things or babble too much… But I am trying. And I want you all to know how much I appreciate your interactions with me! 💜

Doing my best to live and learn, and… To connect… 𓂀

Thank you for your interest in my blog. I really appreciate your visit. If you like my posts and you want to share them on your social media, please, feel free to do so! I’d be honored. If you don’t want to miss a thing, press the follow button (you’ll need to be a signed in WP user) or scroll down and leave your email below this post. If you are a WP user and you would like me to know you liked my post, press the star/like button please. Thanks ever so much! Of course comments are welcome as well, but spam won’t get shared, so don’t bother…

Please be wise and stay safe! I hope to see you back real soon again, feel free to drop in anytime! Wishing you all the best. With love, Cynni 🌹

I am living on a disability income and don’t generate an income with my blog. If you would like to support me and my work, I’d greatly appreciate it. Every bit helps me tremendously. For more information and a donation link, please check out ko-fi.com/PlaystationPixy

If you prefer to use PayPal, that’s also a possibility: PayPal.me/SuperCynni

Thanks ever so much 💜

Cynni's Blog

2025-02-10 06:00:05

Pixy’s Corner 💻

Days like these, where the world is going crazy bit by bit, I really wish I was more tech savvy! I would love to understand Linux better, especially since I got it to my laptop now. And, if I were smart enough, I would love to host my own little corner on the internet!

If I had the funds and the wits, I’d love to have a domain where I could host all the bits of the internet that I enjoy for myself. Of course I’d go with the activity pub/FediVerse route, as I’ve been enjoying that so much… I have dreams, but I don’t have the means and knowledge, unfortunately… But… What would I like? 🤔

Well, it would be cool to have a domain named “Pixy’s Corner” 😉! I’d love to run several FediVerse services. I would make sure that I’d have a stable PC with a decent hard drive system (also a backup one), so I’d have enough space to host all my sillyness!

I enjoy the Mastodon bit of Fedi. I’ve recently joined my first “misskey” instance and wow, those options are even more awesome! So I’d definitely want some of that! 😇

I enjoy sharing pictures, so there should be a Pixelfed instance as well…

Video sharing is cool too! So I’d need more space to host a PeerTube instance as well.

And, last but not least, I’d love a blog site based on Write Feedly, as that also works with activity pub.

If I’d had the space available, it would definitely be open for some friends to join. But I’d make it for me first, and then I’d try to federate with the other instances, so I could chat and share with folks on other instances as well. 😊

Back in the day, when Frontpage and message boards were still a thing, I used to host my own website and forum. I rented the online space and used a ftp program to connect. And somehow, it usually worked! I don’t think I could that now…

Ever since the fibro kicked in, I’ve struggled with brain fogs. I’ve lost a lot of why I knew. And things changed… 😔

I still remember starting my first GeoCities website. Playing with those awesome animated images that became a hot thing, especially when MySpace became a thing to join!

Ow that reminds me… If I could, I’d also host a matrix instance so friends and family could chat safely through my servers… 😊

flic.kr/p/2qFUB4N

Don’t tell me it’s easy! With my autism, I find it very hard to learn from the internet, especially since most tutorials are videos these days. And those are the worst for me… 😔

Ideally, I’d get someone face-to-face, and together we’d set up the kit and then get all the stuff running. They’d explain every little step, and I’d be writing down every step Ling the way! And then when I need to do my first instance updates, that person would come over again, talk me through it step by step, and I’d be making notes again. And repeat that until I know what to do and if feel confident enough about it.

But as I don’t know code, as I don’t understand protocols, as I don’t havr the funds for the domain and kit I’d need… I guess it’s just a silly dream…

It’s just a silly dream to have my own “little sanctuary” on the wide web, to have a place to really call my own, to make it as weird as I can, and then add some more sillyness! To have “Pixy’s Corner”, where I could blog, Toot, share vids and snaps… That would just be awesome!! But I guess it will just stay a dream as I don’t have the knowledge, nor the funds, to make any of this possible…

I am very grateful for the instances that host my current sillyness, and I try to support them when I can. Which is really not often enough, as I’ve been dealing with loads of costs the last year… 😔 But when I can, I do try to chip in a bit…

So, unfortunately, no Pixy’s Corner… But it was a nice thoguht…

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Thank you for your interest in my blog. I really appreciate your visit. If you like my posts and you want to share them on your social media, please, feel free to do so! I’d be honored. If you don’t want to miss a thing, press the follow button (you’ll need to be a signed in WP user) or scroll down and leave your email below this post. If you are a WP user and you would like me to know you liked my post, press the star/like button please. Thanks ever so much! Of course comments are welcome as well, but spam won’t get shared, so don’t bother…

Please be wise and stay safe! I hope to see you back real soon again, feel free to drop in anytime! Wishing you all the best. With love, Cynni 🌹

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I am living on a disability income and don’t generate an income with my blog. If you would like to support me and my work, I’d greatly appreciate it. Every bit helps me tremendously. For more information and a donation link, please check out ko-fi.com/PlaystationPixy

If you prefer to use PayPal, that’s also a possibility: PayPal.me/SuperCynni

Thanks ever so much 💜

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Explore Cynni Pixy's 22535 photos on Flickr!

^Flickr

…if that makes sense… 🤔

I thrive on routine, as many of you following this blog may already know. And I feel like it helps me loads, I know what to expect, I know what I need to do. I know what to prepare for, what will take the most spoons, when I can relax and just be a couch potato… 😇

But there are times that it just feels fake…Like I just do things because it’s expected of me to do. You have to do this and that, because that’s “part of life”. You have to do the daily chores, you have to keep going and do what you “need to do”.

There are things that I like to do. Late night visits to the gym. SniffiVerse™ walkies with Arwen, especially when the weather is good for it. I like writing for my blog. I can enjoy some TV series, movies, and some occasional bits of gaming. But for me, sometimes, when the night is over, I feel like I need to “endure” the rest of the day. Eagerly awaiting the time going by, so that I can head back to bed again. And then do the fun things again during the night.

Sure, there are more things that I do and also enjoy. But somehow, sometimes, I feel like I am faking life. I am faking living. And I know it may sound weird. But doing the daily chores, it just feels like I do it because I have to…

When I am struggling with depression or an autistic burnout, these feelings are stronger than ever! I have so many questions running though me at times like that, where I question everything that I “need” to do. I sometimes do that when I am procrastinating doing chores that I don’t want to do (often the cleaning chores).

I will ask myself why I should clean this or that. What use will it be, as it will be dirty again in no time… But then, a little voice often tells me that if I don’t do it, it will only get worse, meaning I need to do even more when I finally get to doing it.

Why do I need to clean? Why should I open the curtains? Why should I wear clean clothes? And, when the darkness is really heavy, I even ask myself: Why should I eat better and exercise? What is the use of doing these chores if I just have to do them again tomorrow?

I know I should walk Arwen and care for her. I never question that! But it can be hard to care for myself. And to keep the place I call home clean and a safe haven to recover in. I know I will be annoyed if the place gets too dirty/messy. I know I will be too ashamed if that happens and someone would see it, or even know about it… 😔

flic.kr/p/2qFHfiP

And the silly thing is, when I do those chores that “bug” me so much, when they have been done, I feel better about it. I finished a chore. I made things better again. I didn’t give up. I fought back and well, I get to do it again soon… Cause that’s the way things go. Doubt the chore, be annoyed by it, finally do it, and then, feel good about it. But, of course, I will doubt it again when it comes up to be done again…

But sometimes, it just feels fake. Like I am doing things because they’re expected of me, of humans. Because they’re part of the daily chores of life. And while I know that it’s all real, when you need to do chores, especially the ones that trigger you most, then it just feels off, at least to me.

I have no idea if this makes any sense. I don’t know if this is something others experience as well. I wonder if it could be an AuDHD thing, or maybe it’s just a “me” thing. And I wonder if there is anything that I could do to make these “feelings of being fake” less present. Will I be able to see these chores as anything more positive? I mean, I do often feel good when I have completed them… 🤔

I dunno… I just think these things at times and I can’t place the thoughts. I know the chores need to be done, even though I don’t always do them well enough. And I guess that’s also why I struggle with some at times, because in the past, I’ve often been told that I needed to do these chores better… Maybe that trauma is playing a part in how I perceive my life, dealing with these chores?

So yeah, when I am done with the things I usually enjoy during the night, when the day starts and the “normal daily life” begins again, it can be hard to keep going through the day… Doing the “daily life chores” that need to be done…

Obla-di, obla-da, life goes on… 😉

Thank you for your interest in my blog. I really appreciate your visit. If you like my posts and you want to share them on your social media, please, feel free to do so! I’d be honored. If you don’t want to miss a thing, press the follow button (you’ll need to be a signed in WP user) or scroll down and leave your email below this post. If you are a WP user and you would like me to know you liked my post, press the star/like button please. Thanks ever so much! Of course comments are welcome as well, but spam won’t get shared, so don’t bother…

Please be wise and stay safe! I hope to see you back real soon again, feel free to drop in anytime! Wishing you all the best. With love, Cynni 🌹

I am living on a disability income and don’t generate an income with my blog. If you would like to support me and my work, I’d greatly appreciate it. Every bit helps me tremendously. For more information and a donation link, please check out ko-fi.com/PlaystationPixy

If you prefer to use PayPal, that’s also a possibility: PayPal.me/SuperCynni

Thanks ever so much 💜