I used to be sure of myself. I either knew something, I didnโt know it and tried to learn about it, or I just wasnโt interested and it could not interest me in the slightest wayโฆ I used to know stuff, be curious about stuff, want to learn stuffโฆ Sometimes, I went overboard with the gathering of knowledge, as I spent way too much time (and sometimes money) on getting my hands on more info. I learned that it was/is part of my AuDHD, getting the hyperfocus, or a special interest, that would absorb me all the way.
These days, I often doubt myself. I guess getting more brain fog symptoms when I got my fibro, and now being made worse at times by the peri-menopauseโฆ Also, having been in relationships where I was often told I was wrong, I misunderstood, I just was too stupid to understandโฆ Those things combined, I guess they just added to the increased feelings of anxiety that I have been dealing with. I never had too many issues with it, until I tried to OD, until my life was gone as I knew itโฆ And these days, I am struggling at timesโฆ
And itโs hard to talk about. Itโs hard to describe the feelings when youโre feeling overwhelmed. When youโre doubting your knowledge and abilities. When youโre unsure and youโd just like to be invisible and all that. Itโs hard to talk about negative things, especially when itโs about your inability to properly function. At least, that is how I experience it.
I notice it a lot these days. With chores that I want to do. With being social on social media. With planning ahead for things that I need to do, want to do, and should be thinking about. If that makes any senseโฆ ๐ค But, I often feel like I am doing things wrong. Like I am not doing them good enough. Like I am being dishonest, because I say that I will do my best, and then I just feel like I am doing anything but thatโฆ ๐
I feel like I am over sharing things, babbling too much, making no sense, boring people to death with my silly thingsโฆ I feel like I am not saying the right things, like I am not being supportive enough, like I am not being a good friend. I should be more giving, more caring, more compassionate. But the harder I try to push myself, the more I doubt that I am doing the right thing.
Maybe I am just not capable of doing this social thing right enough. Maybe I just canโt โseeโ or understand how it should be done properly. I feel like I am putting people under pressure, by asking them to be there for me, by chatting with me, by being too weird and all that I just described.
I think I am dealing with another bout of depression. I struggle more. It all seems to be so much harder these days. Is it that my depression came back? Is the peri-menopause causing issues with the hormonal changes? Am I just not doing things right enough? Ughโฆ So many questions, so many doubts, so many worriesโฆ And I donโt want to ask others all the times, as it feels stupid to ask for some sort of โre-assuranceโ, it feels so weird to meโฆ ๐
Iโve also noticed that my old trauma (I guess itโs that? ๐ค) gets triggered when my routine gets disrupted. When I am no longer in my โusualโ comfort zone, itโs very easy to become anxious and worried about me and my doings. I worry if I am โtoo muchโ for folks. Like I share too much, I demand too much attention, I donโt give enough attention to others myself, I am too โself promotingโ maybeโฆ Thereโs just so many doubts when I get hit with the anxiety bits.
Iโve shared a bit of this on Mastodon recently, and I got some very kind replies, for which Iโm very grateful. ๐ As they really helped me. I know I can be very insecure about myself and my online presence, as part of me just wants to please everyone. Butโฆ Itโs the interwebs, you just canโt do that! You need to be you, or so Iโve been told, and people will either love you for it, they wonโt care, or theyโll block you for itโฆ
And I guess thatโs just hard at times. Due to the AuDHD, Iโve never been good with social things. I never really understood how friendships worked, and often I tried to do all I could to please others so that they would be kind to me.
But yeah, as I grow older, as my body and mind seem to change with the passing of timeโฆ I start to doubt myself more. I feel more insecure. I worry more. Where I used to be more believing in myself, now I constantly need someone, anyone I guess, to tell me itโs OK and that I am capable and/or worthy. And itโs hard to live with that. Because asking for that reassurance just feels weird and demanding. If that makes senseโฆ ๐ค
I sometimes (often?) wonder if more people struggle with these insecurities. Some people just seem to have no issues with doing the social stuff. Some people just seem to be able to get everything done that they set their mind to. Some make it look so easy, and that makes me wonder if itโs just how I perceive it, or if itโs really that easy for them. I guess, sometimes, during my less good days, I can be a little jealous to the successes of others. ๐
Like, when I share something personal that Iโd love some feedback on, and it barely gets any interactions. And then someone else shares something and within ten minutes, itโs almost a trending thing, or so it seems to me thenโฆ And feeling this weird jealousy is not good. Itโs making me feel bad again. As I know I should not compare. I donโt need to be an influencer. I donโt need the big numbers. Butโฆ Part of me just wishes for more interactions when I feel a bit downโฆ
I guess itโs also because Iโm alone. OK, I have Arwen and sheโs a real sweetheart! But she canโt replace the comfort at times that some humans can give you when youโre strugglingโฆ So, maybe when I deal with the anxiety, the โbeing aloneโ part just adds to how I feelโฆ ๐ข
flic.kr/p/2qQzZFi
Society taught me that I needed to do good. I needed good grades to matter. I needed to be good at social bits or be bullied. I needed to find a job and earn my money. I needed to make progress in that job, to become more important and start earning more. When I lost part of my health, when I lost the ability to work, to give it all the full 100% (and then some), it just felt like I stopped mattering to the world, to others. I was just a waste of space, money, and resources. And that hurt me so much, as I have always given all I could, up until the point where my body and mind just gave out in the worst possible wayโฆ
Iโm grateful that I donโt have to deal with the stress of a job, where my health was suffering to me ends meet. Iโm grateful to have what I have now. Butโฆ If I could change itโฆ Iโd rather have my health and a job that would allow me to earn my moneyโฆ
So when things are hard, especially financially and physically, I feel bad about not being able to participate. And that makes me doubt myself again, and it will add to my feelings of low self-esteem. Which, of course, add to the anxiety and all thatโฆ
I have many wishes, some more realistic than others. Butโฆ A healthy body, a decent job with a nice pay, less insecurity about myself (and my finances)โฆ Yeahโฆ That would/could really make a differenceโฆ
But I guess that will never happen, as thereโs been no improvement (more the opposite) in the last 11 yearsโฆ So I guess, some days, Iโll just have to deal with the anxiety and doubts about myselfโฆ ๐
Thank you for your interest in my blog. I really appreciate your visit. If you like my posts and you want to share them on your social media, please, feel free to do so! Iโd be honored. If you donโt want to miss a thing, press the follow button (youโll need to be a signed in WP user, or you can follow me though the FediVerse with the link below ) or scroll down and leave your email below this post. If you are a WP user and you would like me to know you liked my post, press the star/like button please. Thanks ever so much! Of course comments are welcome as well, but spam wonโt get shared, so donโt botherโฆ
Please be wise and stay safe! I hope to see you back real soon again, feel free to drop in anytime! Wishing you all the best. With love, Cynni ๐น

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Ello sweet and lovely Friendos 
Ugh... This is me venting a bit, so I'll add a CW, as it may mean that this Toot will have be babbling a bit too long winded... ๐ซฃ
Here it goes...
Lately, I've been struggling with my anxiety and feelings of being inadequate and annoying.
I feel like people are tired of my long babbling toots. I feel like they're tired of my silly replies. I know I'm not the best with commenting, but I've been trying... ๐ But it just feels like people avoid me and my silly emotions.
And I know this is probably a combination of my hormones, a depression, a disturbance of good sleep and decent routine, that's all making me feel this way.
And this is in no way aimed at anyone in particular, this is me venting my stupid thoughts... ๐ But these thoughts do affect how I am online, and I want to be honest about my struggles.
I don't want to bore anyone. I want to be supportive. Caring. Understanding. And I guess, sometimes I may try too hard and overdo it. Or I may write the wrong things. Or maybe people expect me to comment and then I don't, and maybe they're disappointed in me...
I'm fighting all these emotions. All these silly ideas. All these worries. And I guess I'm making things worse for myself. I'm taking things the wrong way because I can't filter them properly. Because I am just a mess... Maybe also because I'm trying too hard..?
So...
Sorry if I may have written a reply that caused you discomfort. I'm sorry if I have been too needy, too wanting, too much of it all...
I wish I could understand my feelings better. I wish I could understand social bits better. But I've never been too good with that. I could say it's maybe just my AuDHD making me weird... ๐ Maybe it's just all me all the way...
Ugh...
I may lurk today. Or maybe I'll try to overcompensate and Toot way too much...
Again, this is my brain struggling with making sense of my silly emotions. This is not meant at anyone in a negative way. But it is affecting me, so I thought I just should share it. Even though it's a bit scary to admit that I'm struggling so much at the moment. Gotta love the anxiety... 
Fankoos for reading all this way. I really appreciate it. 
Catch you later, I guess... 
๐ง๐ผโโ๏ธ ๐ ๐ ๐พ
#PixysJourney
Altbot
in reply to ๐ฎ Pixy • • •The image depicts a fantastical landscape with a reddish-brown terrain, dotted with various alien-like plants and creatures. The ground is covered with small, round, white plants and patches of green grass. In the foreground, there are several creatures with elongated bodies and pointed heads, resembling scorpions, moving across the terrain. Some of these creatures have a skeletal appearance, while others are more robust. The background features larger, more complex plants with rounded, bulbous shapes, and a few blue, insect-like creatures flying in the distance. The overall color palette is dominated by warm tones, with reds, yellows, and browns, creating a surreal and otherworldly atmosphere. The image appears to be a screenshot from a video game, as indicated by the text "GECCOLOFFICI" in the bottom left corner.
Provided by @altbot, generated privately and locally using Ovis2-8B
๐ฑ Energy used: 0.179 Wh
tl;dr
in reply to ๐ฎ Pixy • • •Ronnie
in reply to ๐ฎ Pixy • • •@Nio
I finished it this morning. I was surprised at how fast the last phases felt after the fishing and pic of 5 ground creatures.
Now I can go back to my fun/relaxed settings.
๐ฎ Pixy
in reply to Ronnie • • •@RonniesaurusHex
Ow nice! Hopefully the quests will indeed be easier after the picture and the fishing. ๐
Haha indeed, can't wait to get back to the very relaxed settings as well... ๐
@Nio