…but why does it feel so hard some days?
Life is a journey. You only know that, one day, in one way or another, the journey will reach the final destination, and it will all be over. To those with certain believes, the one journey will be ending, while a new journey may be starting again, some way, some how. And, that can be a beautiful thought. But, when things are hard, it can be scary too. Because, when I am facing the harder days, I dread them loads, and when the dark monster has a really strong grip on me, the hardest days make me fear to continue the journey.
But well, I will keep going. I have tried to give up in the past. I took an OD of sleeping pills when I was at the lowest point of my life. It took me over a year to gather the bits and bops and to start enjoying life again. And I think I did rather well. I have a small group of friends, but they do mean the world to me. And I have some very sweet online friends. I’ll probably never be able to meet them, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t care about them. I have Arwen, and my parents. I have a new place that still needs a lot of work, so I hope to work on that, bit by bit… So, reasons enough to not give up! But some days…
It can be hard to keep going. When I struggle to make the funds last long enough. When my pain levels are being higher, restricting me in enjoying my usual things. When I have been eager to do something, and then, I just can’t do it when the time comes, (I really want to…). I want to make progress with my health, but every time I feel like I am taking one step forward, it will immediately be followed by one or even two steps back…
I usually enjoy the cardio exercises, and they were the ones that helped me with burning some calories, and getting me “in the mood” to do some weight exercises as well. But, with the leg giving out every time I use it for longer times, I just can’t really trust myself to use the cross-trainer or go for a faster walk on the treadmill. I seem to be OK most of the time when I walk slowly, like with Arwen. Although some moments, I do feel like my leg is “rattling”. Which feels so weird, but it is less bad than the tingling, where my leg “falls asleep”, and I lose the strength in it for a while.
So, not being able to do the “usual” exercises, and not being able to lose some of my weight, it’s been harder for me to keep going. I know I should not give up, as I know that would make things go from the current situation to a worse one… But I was so hoping to make some improvements. 😔 And then I started with the dumbbells some more. So of course my hands started to act up. And the more recent gardening work gave me some other ailments as well. Nothing I can’t handle, but it does mean that I am even more restricted in the things that I can do…
I worry over my own health, and the upcoming surgery. But then, I also worry over my parent’s health, and Arwen’s health. Both my parents and Arwen are getting older, and they’re struggling with ailments of their own. I try to help them where I can, but it also worries me that I will need help after my surgery, and I don’t know if I an get enough of it. After the last surhery, mum stayed with me for quite a while to help me with things. But, mum needs her own surgery (she will have had it by the time that this post will be finished and going “live”), and she’ll need to recover from that as well.
There are worries. There are moments where the dark monster is trying to grab me, and to drag me along. I try to focus on good things, on positive things, on things that I still wanna do, things that I still want to enjoy… But some days, it’s just so hard. And these days make it harder to keep going, because I sometimes just wonder… “Is it all worth it?”.
When the dark monster is holding me down, trying to lure me back into it’s hole, it is asking me all these questions. And they keep coming back in my thoughts, through my nightmares, through my moods going back and forth. That one question, it usually will receive a straight forward answer of “Yes, of course!”. But, there are days, when I just don’t know. Where I doubt about my purpose in life, if my journey is really that worthy… I try to stick to my routine, I try to get through the days with the dark thoughts, hoping that the next day will be more positive and brighter…
I try to keep my focus on the positive things. Yeah, needing a big surgery is hard. But, if the recovery goes well, I should be able to do more of the things that I enjoy without the painful restrictions… And I know the declining health of my loved ones is a hard path to be on, and that it will only get harder. So I want to try to make the most of it. I try to help my parents as much as I can. I try to offer Arwen all the fun things that she can enjoy as long as she’ll be able to…
Life has its ups and downs. And I am hoping that there will be more ups in my future. I am trying to think positive. “The surgery will be successful and I will recover wonderfully”. “Arwen is enjoying her life, and she is doing well, so we can enjoy all the time we have together”. “If I help mum and dad enough, they will be able to keep going forward as long as they will be able and willing to”.
Hey ho, let’s do this! Let’s focus on the good things that could come, if I do my best and if I remain my positivity. Fingers crossed 🤞🏻 that everything will be OK in the end 🍀. Or at least as OK as things will be able to be…
To be continued…
Thank you for your interest in my blog. I really appreciate your visit. If you like my posts and you want to share them on your social media, please, feel free to do so! I’d be honored. If you don’t want to miss a thing, press the follow button (you’ll need to be a signed in WP user) or you can follow me though the FediVerse with the link below, or scroll down and leave your email below this post. If you are a WP user and you would like me to know you liked my post, press the star/like button please. You can also comment when you see this post as a Toot on the Fediverse, and I’ll be notified of that as well. Thanks ever so much! Of course comments are welcome, but spam won’t get shared, so don’t bother with that…
Please be wise and stay safe! I hope to see you back real soon again, feel free to drop in anytime! Wishing you all the best. With love, Cynni 🌹
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I am living on a disability income and don’t generate an income with my blog. If you would like to support me and my work, I’d greatly appreciate it. Every bit helps me tremendously. For more information and a donation link, please check out ko-fi.com/PlaystationPixy
If you prefer to use PayPal, that’s also a possibility: https://PayPal.me/CynniPixy
Thanks ever so much 💜
I really want to…
…but…
…my body/brain just won’t…
I guess we all have these moments. We’re eager to do something later. Play a game, read a book, watch a movie, something that will help us to relax. For me, I usually get these nice ideas when I am busy with my routine, with the needed chores. I think of “well, when I have done the laundry, when I have hoovered the house, then…”. And I am very excited thinking about the things that I would want to do… I do my chores, I get ready to relax, and then… I just feel too tired, too bläh , to actually do the fun things that I was planning on doing. And, well, it just sucks.
I want to do so much. I love to play games. I enjoy reading a good book. I want to see new series and movies. But, unfortunately, often, I have to resort to “just” watching some old series or movie again, as my body is too sore and my brain is too bläh to focus on something that needs my attention and/or needs more concentration.
A sweet friend got me a new eBook a while ago. I was so surprised of her generosity and I was really eager to read the new story! I started it and then, I struggled to keep focus. I kept losing what I read last, I had trouble focusing on the words, and I felt rubbish, because I knew she had read the book and she wanted to discuss it with me. And I was just not making any progress getting through the story… 😔
There are several games that I love to play. And I was eager to play one to get through an event, an expedition, that I wanted to finish in time. There is still time for me to finish it (as I am writing this), but every time I wanted to sit down… I was either too tired, my hands hurt too much, or I just wanted to do something that I could snooze a bit with (watch an old favorite series or movie).
There are also new series on the streaming services that I have. And I keep adding things to my “I wanna watch this” list, and then I keep going back to the things that I have seen a whole lot of times… I have managed to watch a few new (to me) things, and I really enjoyed them. But they were shorter series, and after watching those, I was eager again to get back to the more familiar things.
I have more time than others to enjoy my hobbies. I don’t have any work obligations, even though I often wished that I were healthy so that I could work and feel better and all that. But, having enough time to do things, it unfortunately doesn’t mean that I also have enough energy and spoons to actually do those things.
The usual needed chores take me more time to deal with them. They cost me more energy than they used to do before all went bad with my silly body. So when I can get around to playing a fun game, to finally reading another chapter, it just sucks when I can’t concentrate enough and enjoy it.
It feels bad to complain about it, as I know I am blessed in other ways. But it is just frustrating when you have done the chores, eager to “reward” myself with something I enjoy, and then… Not be able to do them… Ugh… It just sucks. So yeah, sometimes I do complain, mostly to Arwen though.
flic.kr/p/2qW4K9D
I know not everyone can understand this. When I first got too bad that I could not work anymore, people just saw me, not having to work, and still getting money. People didn’t understand that I would rather be able to work, make some decent money, feel more useful, have a goal in life, and all that. I am blessed that I don’t have to go out when my body is bad, when my head is off, when I feel like hell. But, I would rather be healthy and be able to work. And yeah, the money is better too when you’re able to work for it. You feel like you have earned it, and it’s more when you work than when you’re on disability… 😔
So yeah, I am blessed that I can still live a life, even though I can’t make my own money. But it’s not like it’s like a holiday all the time. I don’t have the money to do all the fun things one can do when one is free from work. And I don’t have the energy/spoons to do all the fun things that I could do before my body gave up…
Sorry for my complaining. I do hope that this will show others that, being “free from working”, doesn’t mean that one can have the fun life that some think it is. Heck, when I can’t even focus enough to read a book I really want to read, when I’ve finished all my chores… That’s just difficult to deal with at times.
I will try to read my book. I will try to play my game. I do want to see new things. But I will keep re-watchting the old, comfortable, things too. 😊
Thank you for your interest in my blog. I really appreciate your visit. If you like my posts and you want to share them on your social media, please, feel free to do so! I’d be honored. If you don’t want to miss a thing, press the follow button (you’ll need to be a signed in WP user) or you can follow me though the FediVerse with the link below, or scroll down and leave your email below this post. If you are a WP user and you would like me to know you liked my post, press the star/like button please. You can also comment when you see this post as a Toot on the Fediverse, and I’ll be notified of that as well. Thanks ever so much! Of course comments are welcome, but spam won’t get shared, so don’t bother with that…
Please be wise and stay safe! I hope to see you back real soon again, feel free to drop in anytime! Wishing you all the best. With love, Cynni 🌹
flic.kr/p/2qCtAEn
I am living on a disability income and don’t generate an income with my blog. If you would like to support me and my work, I’d greatly appreciate it. Every bit helps me tremendously. For more information and a donation link, please check out ko-fi.com/PlaystationPixy
If you prefer to use PayPal, that’s also a possibility: PayPal.me/CynniPixy
Thanks ever so much 💜
Alt text by Bing: An action-packed illustration featuring Bowser, a prominent character from the Mario franchise, as the central focus. Bowser is depicted in dynamic motion with fiery red hair and sharp horns crowning his head.
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