When I first got ditched and thrown away like yesterday’s rubbish, I struggled. I had never truly been on my own and I didn’t know how to be alone. I was used to company, a lover, a guiding hand, someone to share things with. And here I was, broken and used, thrown into a new life with no real certainties, except that I had Arwen and I was so happy to keep her in my life.
That’s been over 6 years now, and I am still alone. And I don’t mind being alone. Sure, I mind it at times. I miss having a partner to share things with. I miss yhe company, the comfort, the stability the right person can provide for you, with you. But I also enjoy being on my own, doing what I want, when I want it, however I want it. I rarely feel lonely, but sometimes, I do feel alone. If that makes any sense… 🤔
I share loads online. Text on Mastodon, and on this blog of course. Images on Pixelfed and occasionally on Insta. Videos on PeerTube. I don’t need to become popular, although I have to admit that I do enjoy it when people like my things. It does make me feel good when people even boost my content. And when they take the time to say something kind, that’s even more special to me.
I know I struggle with replying to messages by others. I often like things and I am trying to get better at boosting more. But when I share things that are special to me, that have meaning to me, it matters more to me when people interact with those messages. It makes me feel seen. It even makes me feel worthy at times. And I guess, that is something that I do miss while being alone.
I know my friends care for me. I know my parents and Arwen love me. I know I can reach out to them and get some comfort should I need it. It may not always come “right away”, as I have a nightly routine, as people don’t sit and wait for me to contact them (apparently they’re also trying to live a life 😉 ). But I know that most of my friends and my parents, they will get back to me when they’re able. And that’s all good.
Then why do I get this “ungrateful” feeling of being alone at times? I guess I will need to explain this a bit further, as I know my AuDHD, my depression, my dealings with trauma… I know I see and experience the world in a different way, so if I would like people to understand me better, it starts by me using better words to “paint the picture”.
I write my blogs, as you obviously know. I’ve stated several times, I write for me. I try to clear my head, I try to get my thoughts out there, or, as some would say, I try to get all my ducks to go in a neatly lined up row. But when people tell me that they read my blogs, which makes me super grateful, and then they never really comment on its contents… It makes me feel a tad disappointed at times.
These posts deal with some very personal things at times. Things I’ve struggled with. Things I am still struggling with. Things that matter to me. And, some days, I would love to get some feedback from the people that matter to me, especially the ones that tell me they read my blogs.
Now, please don’t get me wrong! No one needs to chat with me about my blogs, no one needs to even read them at all. But, it’s just me and my feelings, that are being asshats at times, when I don’t get any feedback on the things that I have been sharing.
flic.kr/p/2qBh8BN
Some very sweet people do chat with me about the blogs, and I find it so very helpful to me at times. To go deeper into the things I’ve been dealing with. To learn about their experiences, their views on things, how they handle them. I learn from feedback, especially as my AuDHD has a different view on the world and I don’t always “get it”, as neurodivergent people “get it”. So, getting feedback from friends and loved ones, either NT or ND, is just so helpful. And, it makes me feel seen, it makes me feel like I matter, it makes me feel better to know that they care enough to first read my babbling and then, to talk with me about it.
As said, I don’t feel lonely, really. I feel alone at times, that’s very true. But I am not really in a state of distress or discomfort over being alone. There are times when I keep checking my phone though, to see if I have any messages, if someone has replied to any of my social media bits here or there. So I guess, when I do that, I do experience some loneliness. But I feel like I sometimes just feel alone. If this makes sense at all, as I feel I am a babbling mumbling baffoon at times! 😂
I guess, what it comes to in the end, is that I really enjoy chatting with people about things that I’ve written about. I enjoy learning things from others, I like to be able to see things from different perspectives (although I sometimes fail at that because I “just” can’t see it, unfortunately). And while I don’t despair about being on my own with Arwen, I definitely look forward to chatting with friends.
I love going online with friends and gaming with them, while we chat about this and that, serious and silly. I enjoy catching up with (online) friends, to know how they are doing, to maybe be able to set up a day and time to meet up, or to set a day and time to game together online. I don’t really need to have someone around all the time, as said, I don’t really feel that lonely. But, in my (limited) capacity, I do enjoy chatting with friends. And I really value their feedback on things that matter to me.
Someone mentioned that what they miss the most of the spontaneous and direct feedback that you can get from a partner that’s near you. And I totally agree. You get to share something together and the response and emotions are shared immediately. It’s a direct support, no waiting for a reply, less chance of the emotions getting “lost” over time. So yeah, while I enjoy my online experiences, I do miss that spontaneous and instant connection at times. Sometimes I “just need” some form of support, and when those needs aren’t being met, I can feel very alone and disappointed.
This is by no means telling folks that “I need them to do better”, it’s me struggling at times when I have silly needs that are harder to please. If that makes sense… 🤔 Know that I appreciate all the positive interactions we share! 💜
Thank you for your interest in my blog. I really appreciate your visit. If you like my posts and you want to share them on your social media, please, feel free to do so! I’d be honored. If you don’t want to miss a thing, press the follow button (you’ll need to be a signed in WP user) or scroll down and leave your email below this post. If you are a WP user and you would like me to know you liked my post, press the star/like button please. Thanks ever so much! Of course comments are welcome as well, but spam won’t get shared, so don’t bother…
Please be wise and stay safe! I hope to see you back real soon again, feel free to drop in anytime! Wishing you all the best. With love, Cynni 🌹
I am living on a disability income and don’t generate an income with my blog. If you would like to support me and my work, I’d greatly appreciate it. Every bit helps me tremendously. For more information and a donation link, please check out ko-fi.com/PlaystationPixyIf you prefer to use PayPal, that’s also a possibility: PayPal.me/SuperCynni
Thanks ever so much 💜
Ello sweet (and sporty) Friendos 
Kim Possible
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