Growing up as an undiagnosed AuDHD kid, in time where the knowledge of Autism and ADHD was more limited than it is these daysโฆ I had to deal with many issues, some of them were focused on me not being good enough. I didnโt understand things well enough, the way I saw and experienced things were always โoffโ, my solutions (however right they were) were dismissed because I didnโt follow the right way to get thereโฆ ๐ค
Iโve never been one to be very tidy. Mum always said that if I kept it messy, then Iโd lose things. But I always knew where my things were. And in my eyes it wasnโt that badโฆ When I got older, I struggled with cleaning. It was often โgood enoughโ for me, and Iโd only make a big effort if I would get visitors. But my โok enoughโ was never deemed good enough by the partners I had. However hard I tried, I always failed to meet their standards. It was never worthy of compliment. Or even a thank you, as they all just saw it as my job to keep the home cleanโฆ
When I got divorced, I was in a big black hole, and I just didnโt care at all. The only one I did worry about was me taking care of Arwen. During the darkest period of my life, I felt like I was failing her constantly. And that hurt me even more than anything elseโฆ ๐ญ
I got more health issues as I got older. When I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in 2014, it changed a lotโฆ In 2016 I found out that all these weird movements of my body had a name as well, hypermobility. Iโve had been dealing with Raynauds since I was 18, so yeahโฆ Not to mention the hip issues and all the surgeries I had since 2017โฆ
It became harder for me to take care of the cleaning chores. And, my now diagnosed AuDHD wasnโt always kind to me as well. I would be totally motivated to get this cleaning chore done, and then, when the time came, I would be too distracted, or I would be in discomfort due to (muslce) pain. I was struggling just to do the basic things, and in the back of my head, I could still hear the patronizing voices of the past, telling me I wasnโt doing it good enough. And those bad memories, they would trigger loads of emotions, making it even harder to deal with the chores at hand.
Itโs not โjustโ with the cleaning chores, but they are the ones that trigger me the most still. When I see the floor needs a mopping, or a hoover. When I see dust on the shelves. When the pile of laundry definitely needs a spin in the machine, or when the laundry thatโs been done needs a fold and cleanup. I used to be even worse with the dishes, but since the move, I have a dishwasher and, wow, that makes a huge difference for me (and my hands).
When I do something, there are always those voices telling me I need to do better than my best, because whenever I say that Iโll do my best, those voices just know that it wonโt be good enough for them. And it hurts. It makes me angry, mostly with myself, for allowing the voices to have such a big power over me. It also makes me angry because I should be OK with โjust my bestโ, as itโs my house, itโs my life, and if I am trying my hardest, that should be good enough for not just me, but for others as well. Should they need things to be done better, they are free to make that happen. But I am also disappointed in myself. I am 44 and still canโt do things โgood enoughโ, according to those voices in the back of my head. There is still a power in there that has such control over me. And when I hear those voices, I get triggered on so many levelsโฆ
I should have found a way to strip the power away from those voices in my head. I should have found a way to dismiss them once and for all. They belong to the past, the belong to the trauma of bad things in relationships that I used to have. But I canโt seem to get rid of them, they keep following me wherever I go and with whatever I do. Even after over 6 years of being on my own, I am still fighting with the โitโs not good enoughโ when I try to cleanโฆ And, to be honest, it makes me even more reluctant in wanting to clean. Because I know I will be judged again, I now I should do better and try harder, and I know I will fail time and time again.
Dealing with past trauma is hard. Especially when itโs been with you for so long. Teachers at school, other adults in my life that should have been there for me, other kids at school, collegues, partnersโฆ Everywhere I went for so many years, there was always the โyeah, I guess itโs fine, butโฆโ following me aound. If it were good enough to actually be fine. Andโฆ I just hate it!
flic.kr/p/2qHq54H
I know that I am not a cleaning master. And I will never be one, cause โgood enoughโ is enough for me. When I know visitors are coming, I will go out of my way to make it โmore than good enoughโ. Not because those friends will judge me if my home is too messy, but because I will judge myself when the home is โjustโ my OK enough. Somehow, I feel like my friends deserve better than that good enough. If that makes any senseโฆ ๐ค
I know I am doing my best, even when it feels like I am not. I mean, I know I want to give the full 100% all of the time, but letโs face it, my body (and brain) arenโt made to be going on 100% all the time. There was a time where I would push myself to try to get beyond that, to keep going, no matter what the costsโฆ But with all the physical health issues, I have learned that some days, giving the full 20% is good enough as well. But learning this doesnโt mean that I donโt struggle with it anymore. Because the ADHD still wants to go get that full 100 percent, and it struggles to accept that my body cannot handle that anymore. Even after +10 years of living with Fibromyalgia.
I am my own worst critic, partially due to those voices of the past still lingering in the back of my brain. โYou need to do betterโ, โyou need to do moreโ, โyouโre so lazy and you never want to take responsibility for the choresโ, and so on, and so onโฆ I do know that itโs OK when I can give that 20% today. But I just want to do better. I need to do better. My active brain is my bodyโs worst enemy.
Itโs been so many years of dealing with a failing body. Itโs been a little less years of being away from the bad voices that fed the trauma in my headโฆ And itโs still hard, itโs still a daily struggle. I know I need to do the chores, I know I am the only one who can do them here, but some days, I just donโt have the spoons nor the motivation. And then I feel guilty for lying on the couch, instead of doing the choresโฆ
I guess I will be dealing with this for quite some time to come. I will keep being my worst enemy, with the bad voices lingering in my head. Step by step, I guess, day by dayโฆ I know I am not as bad as some people made me believe for so many years. I am free now. And I am doing things my way. And hopefully, one day, I will be able to be less judgemental towards myselfโฆ ๐ค๐ป
To be continuedโฆ
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